1"Divorce Warriors By Gregory H. Ewert Copyright 1996 When I sat down and started writing this I was not prepared for what was going to happen. I had no idea what it was going to do to me and the many lives surrounding this manuscript. I was not prepared for how the Lord was going to use this manuscript to bring so many lives together; in a unity, that only someone that has experienced the loneliness of aloneness, could understand. We often refer to ourselves as cavemen & cavewomen; why do we refer to ourselves in such a way? Because like King David, we know the power isolation can have on a person's mind, soul and spirit. We know the pain of betrayal and anger; and we know what it takes to forgive. We know what it is like to live in the deepest, darkest, smelliest hole on this earth. In the first few drafts of this manuscript I tried very hard to write like the great American novelist and try to impress people with big words and deep thoughts. But one night The Holy Spirit came to me and instructed me to write this on a level that a fourteen year old could easily understand it. To write a manual on all I had learned through my experience and research. To share everything the Lord has talked to me about, concerning separation, divorce, marriage and relationships. To be direct and to the point, not being too objective. The greatest criticism I get... regarding this manuscript... is that I am not objective enough. The biggest question I get is," Mr. Ewert, what is your story." My story didn't begin the day she left.. it began years before. Not just for me, but her as well. Even though that marriage is over, and is now a part of history, it's failure has become the victory for many. A lot of this book was written during a time of great pain and great love. I never hurt as bad as I did those first few months she was gone; and I never loved as much as I did those first few months after she was gone. I learned more about love, grace, forgiveness, betrayal, loneliness and aloneness in those few months than I could have ever learned from studying books. But I did read.... I became book and tape poor. I was driven to learn and change... as I learned... the Holy Spirit changed me. In this book you will experience some of my most intimate times with my Lord. I started to hesitate about writing these things down for the whole world to see, but it wasn't long before I realized that I was not the only one experiencing these things. As a Christian man with a Christian wife that had left me, I was marked as something dirty. It was thought by some that I had become some kind horrible creature because my wife--had left. Not everyone thinks like that. I was fortunate. God had a plan; I was right where I was for a reason. The suffering was for a reason. When I looked for help I was sent to humanistic/materialist, worldly counselors. I managed to glean a little helpful knowledge, but they were asking me to do things that were not consistent with the Word of God. I was treated like something sub-human. Alone and unable to care for myself because of a disability, I asked God--Why ? Why was I walking such a lonely terrifying path? "Because I love you", He said. I was promised that through this situation the hearts of many would be revealed , and I was to help and teach them. I was to love and help the ones who had left me for dead, and as I did, God would vindicate and elevate me to a position where I could help others. The worldly counselors told me that my wife was some sort of horrible creature and I was a victim of her past; that she and her family were my enemies and I needed to get angry and fight. I was told to stay away from her; to get my children out of their present living situation. This idea turned my stomach. My spirit grew very angry. I let them know what God's Word had to say about their ideals. They in turn, thought I was some kind of religious nut. In all my life, I have never experienced such a satanic cesspool. When I would ask people not to speak ill of my wife, they would tell me I was in denial and needed help. I was told by other Christians to forget her; that she was "bad". I want to set the record straight. She isn't "bad". She is a child of God, just like I am. Burned out and hurting; lonely and desperate, she was as much of a victim as I was. My disability and what she had to endure over those four years--wore her out. She needed rest. My physical condition placed tremendous weight on her shoulders; she felt she had to go in order to save her sanity. I needed to be alone; needed to become dependent on Jesus and the Word of God. Later I understood this, but the humanistic and religious people could not. Between the Garden and the Cross In a relationship, you must be very careful who you intend on becoming lifetime partners with. You cannot go into the relationship expecting this person to "love" you forever. It isn't "can" I, but "will" I love this person forever, regardless of the choices they make regarding their love for me. The current understanding of the word "love" is more of an expression than a commitment. Anymore, when someone says, "I love you", what's really being said is, "you effectively stimulate happiness and security within me". But a person can only supply temporal stimulation, at best, for another person. Marriage has become a relationship based upon expectations. When these expectations are not readily met, they become demands. Love is never something to be expected or demanded. What you get when you expect or demand, is a perverted form of submission. Your partner is no longer free to extend genuine love because of the demanding expectations and conditions you have placed on them. If both people do this, the marriage is likely to fail. There is only one word that describes expectation, conditions and demands: Selfishness. Then again, the same sort of expectations, demands and conditions will destroy your relationship with God as well. Genuine love says "I will to love you. I am committed to stand by you without expectations or conditions". This is how our Heavenly Father loves us. When God says "I love you", He is saying, "I will to love you; I choose to enter a covenant--to love you. I love you so much I will set My only Son upon this earth for you to crucify." In the same way, our marriage vows are a covenant to love one another, just as God has covenanted to love us. A marriage covenant has nothing to do with what you think you should be getting out of the relationship. It isn't based on what you might expect the other person to do or change in themselves. Marriage is a covenant you make with your partner and God; a holy promise to choose to love the other person regardless of the choices they make to love--you. The rest is left to God. Love is a "do" word. An action. What are you doing that anyone watching would call love? Are you spending an hour a day, week, month or maybe even a year in serious prayer for your partner and family? Jesus spent his entire life in preparation for that walk from the Garden to the Cross. He knew what His responsibilities were, not once thinking, "I am expected to die on that cross to save this bunch of sinners." He knew why He was here, yet, in His humanity did not want to suffer the humiliation and pain He was to face between the Garden and the Cross. Here is where we see the perfect example of self-denial, self-discipline and unconditional obedience to God. Jesus didn't go into the Garden not once, or twice but three times and said, "if there is any other way Father, please let this cup pass from Me, but I want Your will to be done." Jesus said his sorrow was so deep He felt like He was going to die. (Matt. 26:38) There are a few of us that have sat in that garden overcome with the grief and sorrows this life has offered us. Yet Jesus, through His love and committed will to do His Fathers will, allowed Himself to be tortured and hung on that cross. He suffered the shame and humiliation of that walk to the cross, so we could again have that intimacy we once had in the garden of Eden. The Garden I look at my separation day as entering the garden. That day I prayed, "Dear Lord, if You will let this cup pass from me, I'll do anything". I repeatedly pleaded with God to deliver me from the torment and painful humiliation of divorce. Then one evening while I sat in my little garden, or rather, pity party, the voice of the Lord came, not sweet, nor gentle at all. "GREG! I have heard just about enough of this selfish praying! You have done nothing but pray for your deliverance, not once asking Me to bless this woman you claim to love. Your motives for wanting your marriage restored are purely selfish in nature. Not once have you asked Me to use you in this situation; to bring glory to Me or My church. I take great pleasure in bringing glory to Myself and My church, but I will not glorify you in this situation." I nearly fell off my bed ! I sat there for nearly an hour, not knowing what to say; completely humiliated and ashamed of myself. The guilt was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I did a lot of reflecting, but it was three days before I could even pray again. It was then that I realized that I was full of pride and expectations. Instead of giving respect, I demanded it. Instead of giving hope, I expected it. Instead of giving grace and mercy I was demanding it. Instead of attending to my responsibilities, I wanted attention. In all my demanding and expecting I had forgotten about loving, and I knew better. How could I expect grace when I had none? How could I expect mercy when I had very little to offer? How could I expect forgiveness when I couldn't forgive? Just as Peter denied Jesus three times, here were my three denials. I said I loved my family, just as Peter told Jesus how much he loved Him. Like Peter, I was so concerned about my own pain, suffering and loneliness that I had forgotten about my families pain and suffering. How selfish could I be? That was a week of great revelation for me. Because of it, July will always be a special time; the month God yelled at me. Though my family is not here and have become a part of Ewert History, I have chosen to love them. I--will--to love them no matter what the years may bring or what roads we take, I will to love them the best I can from where I am. Love isn't what you can buy or how much money you can give them. It isn't found in anything this world has to offer. If money is love to you then where will love be when the accounts are emptied ? Love, in this situation, is placing your heart on the altar--for them. Believe me, it is much easier to be bitter and unforgiving. I choose to love and forgive, but I am tempted. It is much easier for others to support you when you are bitter, unforgiving and hateful. Instead I am accused of walking in denial of myself. I hope I am. The Cross My cross came the day we were going to court for the final drop of that gavel. I was prepared to do battle. I was prepared to humiliate her; to put a black mark on her reputation. This is the kind of thing people and lawyers will advise you to do. I think the rule they go by is something like, "if their black mark is bigger than yours, then you win and you are justified". As I sat there waiting to go into the court room, going over my evidence, the Lord spoke again. It went something like this: "Greg! Do you really love her?" "Yes". "GREG!" He said again; this time stronger and louder. This time getting my full attention. "Do you love her?" "Yes," I said. "Greg, do you trust Me?" This is when I knew He was going to say something I wasn't going to like. "Of course I do." I responded with a question in my voice. "You know I do?" "Do you Greg? Will you completely trust me in there today?" "What are you getting at Lord?" In the meantime, court had already started and the state had already crucified three marriages. I was so frightened at what the Holy Spirit might say. Just as I reached for the door the Lord spoke again: "Greg, I do not want you to say or do anything in there today. Keep your mouth shut and answer no." I stood there and stared at the door, stunned at what I was hearing. I was armed to the teeth and the Lord was saying drop your weapons. I walked in; sat down and looked at my wife and her mother. Suddenly I realized that I had gone there prepared to hurt the two women I cared for most in this world. When our names were called I stood up, files in hand. The Lord said, "drop it", meaning, the files in my hand. Suddenly, in the flash of a moment, my wife was the bride of my youth again. My mind flashed back to the day and moment I had fallen in love with her. Then, under my breath I whispered, "I choose to forgive. No sin has been done against me." I sat the files down on the seat and walked forward. Oh dear Jesus. Is this what you felt that day? Court went as usual. When they asked her that big question, "Do you consider this marriage irretrievably broken with no hope of reconciliation?", her eyes were glassy. She hesitated; lowered her eyes and then answered, "yes". The judge turned to me and smiled. The stage was set. Here was my chance. He turned to me. "Is there something you would like to say?" Everything in me wanted to throw myself at her feet, but with every ounce of love, faith and trust in my Lord I hesitated and then said, "no". I could feel the nails Jesus took in his hands being driven into my heart. I turned and walked out without looking back. I wish I had. I wish I had looked back. I stopped; picked up my files. Before I could get out of the building, the Holy Spirit prompted me to tear them up--and throw them--away. Do I regret obeying the Holy Spirit? No. I don't. He knew something I didn't, and He also knew that because I loved her, I would let her go, unconditionally. We all make choices; either to obey and leave it in Gods hands, or do it our way and cause damage; perhaps irretrievably. Jesus is the only One that can carry you through the trials and terror of separation and divorce. Jesus is the only One that can bring a complete healing to your shattered heart and broken dreams, and He's the only One that can repair a broken marriage. Your cross may not be found in a courtroom. Maybe your cross is found in the little phrases, I--will--to love my partner, and forgive them, for the rest of my life. I will--to love you, Jesus. Please forgive me. If there was anything that I could be done to inhibit reconciliation, I think I did it. I did everything wrong. I listened to others and didn't listen to God. I didn't obey the Holy Spirit until it was too late. Now I am doing everything possible to help others not to follow my path. Your mouth will get you into more trouble than anything else. My mouth did and I am paying a very high price for it. Do you find yourself between the garden and the cross? Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you, even after all is lost. He takes great joy in embracing us in the midst of personal tragedy and gently walks us into restoration. This by no means gives us a "get out of jail free" card. You will reap what you sew. When it seems everyone else has walked away, He is always there and will send the right people to pull you out of the hole--you dug for yourself. He will not condemn you, nor rub your nose in it. He is only concerned about your relationship with Him, and will at all costs, fight to restore that relationship. His love is not conditional; not demanding or expectant. His love is pure, and He is there to draw us back even after we've done our worst. Reach out to Jesus and find a love you never thought possible. A love better than anything you will see on television or read about in books. It is the--BEST. All of this made me realize a lot of things. If people were trying to teach me these humanistic, materialist and religious values, what were they teaching my wife and children, and all the others going through similar situations? Were they being taught love and forgiveness? Were they being taught about Godly responsibilities or humanistic rights? If Satan was trying to trap me into this way of thinking, he was working on my family and many others in the same way. Satan uses the terror of anger to manipulate a person into a vulnerable state of mind, and that is when he has control. The horrible emotions you endure the first thirty days of separation will cause you to say and do things you never would have before. I did some of them. There needs to be help for those who are hurting and desperate, as well as checks and balances. Praise God, I already did those stupid things, so now I can help others avoid doing the same. Everyone has that one really stupid thing they have done in their lives. Now I have mine. I'm told it cost me my chance of reconciliation. There can be more damage done to the relationship in the first ninety days of separation than the entire marriage. It wont make any difference how sorry or repentant you are. Everything gets blown way out of proportion on both sides. The marriage message must be more than "try harder" and the Law. Men and women need to be correctly taught what love is. It would seem this generation was not taught love in their youth. Most are not learning it until after divorce. Love has become an expression, and is no longer a commitment. Your mind is wide open to suggestion those first few weeks. If Satan has placed someone that you trust close to you, and they start filling you with humanistic and religious ideals, just about anything can happen. During this time you are running on about eighty-five percent emotion. All your energy is being absorbed by emotions. This makes even simple decisions nearly impossible, and leaves you wide open to the stability of the person advising you. This can be very dangerous if your confidante resents being married, or has secret negative feelings about marriage or the opposite sex. It is even worse if the person harbors any ill feelings towards you or your partner. When you are running on this much emotion you tend to revert back to the beginning; to your adolescent feelings and emotional desires. As a result, morals tend to slip. If you are not grounded in a good spiritual support system that will hold you accountable, you will find yourself doing things you wouldn't have even considered only a few weeks or months before. So many have fallen victim to this situation, and then because of pride, shame and guilt, never quite recover emotionally. It is possible to remain "stuck" in that adolescent emotional state of mind--for years. Some just--snap out of it one day, but most experience another divorce or something worse first. That is why I started DIVORCE WARRIORS and wrote these articles. After realizing these things I cried out to God, "But Father, You hate divorce. How could you let this happen?" His response threw me for a loop! (Lam. 3:1-36) "Because I love both of you." He said. I made a covenant with Myself, long before man was created. It is that covenant I must first consider, in these matters. I will reveal much to you as you are able, but for now, wait and consider my words. Greg, please understand that I had to allow this to happen. For the sake of many, I had to allow this. I hate divorce. It is Satan's way. Not Mine. He has destroyed and stolen much through divorce, but because I love you, Stephanie, and those children, I had to let Satan destroy your home. Because you did choose Me, I am at this very moment, building you a new one. It is stronger and more beautiful than you can imagine. Be still; wait, and see what wonders I have already done for you. What Satan intended to use to destroy I have used to make you stronger. For now My son, wait. I will reveal much to you, and you will not be ashamed. Yes, I judged you, but only because you were worthy to be judged. I disciplined you and used the rod of correction on your back, but only because you are My child, and I love you. You will remember the rod, but you will not remember the pain (Lam. 3:1)." Through the Holy Spirit and God's love and mercy, immense bitterness, guilt and unforgivenness that had laid deep within me, was brought to the surface. These were things that had nothing to do with my marriage. With the exception of one thing, they were all completely unrelated events and circumstances, but each had profound effect on my relationship with God; my friends, and my family. After the Holy Spirit revealed these things to me, I was so--ashamed! Have you ever looked back and thought, "I must have been crazy. How could I have done such things!" I experienced--multiple levels of humiliation and shame (Lam. 3:37-39; Rom. 8). Then I entered a period where I had to forgive myself and accept Gods forgiveness. Which I did and found the peace to write again. MAKING THE BIG DECISION Decisions of this magnitude must be made with a clear mind; not emotionally. Often, people will try to make decisions for you, implying that they may know better than you do as to what is best. Keep in mind, however that only you can make the decision and only you will experience the consequences those decisions bring about. Therefore, no decision can be made by your friends, family, or lawyer. They are yours, and yours alone. The following outlines two areas we deal with regularly. Keep in mind that these are not applicable to every situation, but should be seriously considered. Abuse The most common reason I hear for divorce is emotional abuse. Abuse is a word used too frequently. When questioned, the accusers (abused) frequently admit that their emotional abuse primarily involved a subject, topic, phrase or expression, and feelings were hurt. This is not always true and there are many cases of actual, intentional emotional abuse. Intentional abuse defined is attempting to manipulate emotionally as a means of control. Its a deliberate maneuver intended to attain control, not flailing words hurled in emotional pain or heat. In describing abuse both the accused and accusers have offered these insights: Examples of misrepresented abuse: 1. A subject, topic, phrase or expression that they are unwilling to face, focus on or deal with (usually something from the past). 2. A subject, topic, phrase or expression that is dwelt on and permitted to eat them alive. The blame is deferred to another and then used to justify an inability to forgive. 3. A subject, phrase or expression that hurt their feelings, and then labels as abuse, instead of just admitting that feelings were hurt. Upon close examination of the accused, most say they never realized they were hurting the accuser, or realized it, but found it nearly impossible to avoid the issues that caused the hurt. The accusers subscribes to an inexplicable anger, resulting in Unforgiveness, bitterness, selfishness and pride. It is justified and retained as a part of their overall character. Anger becomes a trigger response to topics or expressions that they are unwilling to deal with, or find hurtful, and will do anything to survive. It will attach itself to the past, and if that avenue is cut off and then will attach to current circumstances or people, blaming accordingly to accommodate. Anger and selfish pride are the culprits here, but convincing a person who has years of hurt bottled up inside is a hard thing to do. Its like a monster within. Not even the accusers can explain it most of the time. there's a natural unconscious bend to blame another for the anger resulting from buried issues. Someone or something has to be the reason things are the way they are. The anger will not accuse itself, because doing so causes self-destruction; any attempt to establish personal responsibility is viewed as an attack. Just about any change or need for change will trigger a self-defense response. To live in anger is to have a murderous heart. (Matt 5:21). When realized by both parties, it has been my experience that the accuser is the abuser; only insofar as they were abusing themselves. Now, this doesnt excuse the accused or any retalitive behavior, but rather produces a higher responsibility for the accused and accuser. It opens the door to the accused, to love and forgiven; and a freedom to help the accuser. In most cases, family counseling has worked very well. This is an important issue, and the following questions should be seriously considered in any decisions you make concerning your marriage. 1. Are you or have you really been abused ? 2. Why do you consider yourself an abuse victim ? 3. Is someone else telling you, you are a victim ? 4. Is it truly abuse or an excuse ? 5. Are you living with a victims mentality ? Are You Abused or Deceived Satan has a difficult time deceiving the intellect, but has mastered the art of deceiving the emotions. A humanistic concept of abuse has replaced the Biblical concept of persecution. The difference between the two is as wide as the oceans. Persecution means to be afflicted, tormented or tortured for ones beliefs. To be persecuted is to be pursued by a persecutor. (Matthew 10:34-39) is a great example how persecution will arise from within our own homes. A person who believes they are persecuted, or suffering for Jesus' names sake (Matt. 10:39) has a completely different perspective than the person who believes they are abused. Read First and Second Peter, and First Corinthians. Look up the words for suffer; suffering, and long-suffering. When a person endures persecution with the attitude of doing so for the sake of another or purely for the sake of the gospel, there is great power and pleasure in it, and considered highly commendable by our Father.(1 Peter 2:20). The position of persecution is totally different than abuse. It is spiritual and can be traced back to the enemy. Abuse, however, creates a victim mentality in the believer. When persecuted, a person endures for the sake of another. The driving force is love, and it produces fruit: love; joy peace, and long-suffering. The abuse mentality produces fruits too: fear; selfishness; pride, and bitterness. Humanism dictates that a person must serve self. A believer serves others. We are to be slaves to one another and view a person trapped or held bondage to fleshly desires as a person in need, or even as a victim. It sickens me to hear a pastor, counselor or lay-minister say, " you are being abused, you have got to start thinking of yourself." Let me give you an example: Terry came to a men's retreat and was saved. He took his newfound love home with him. This was immediately rejected by his family. They began to persecute him for his new belief. This wasn't easy so he brought it up at the next men's breakfast. It horrified me when I heard the response given by the leaders. It went something like this: "Terry, you do not have to take this abuse. God doesn't expect you to; you need to start thinking of yourself." Now, instead of enduring with love, wisdom and long-suffering, the word, abuse had been interjected. Terry begins to see his family as the enemy. He perceives every stronghold as a personal attack on him; walks in fear and soon establishes justification for anger, bitterness and Unforgiveness. Now he is in a defense mode and the combination of human nature and Satan get the better of him. Even his own actions begin to drive a wedge between him and his family. It use to be, "that poor woman is enduring great persecution from her husband, by the enemy, for standing her ground and maintaining her walk with the Lord." The fight was in the name of the Lord. Her suffering was done in love. Many men were broken by this, and come to know Jesus. Her friends at church would stand by her and spend hours interceding on her behalf. Now, for the most part, its more like, You poor woman. You are being abused by that man. He is a horrible beast. God does not expect you to be abused." What Satan has done is move the fight from the spiritual to the flesh. Now instead of dealing with the love and power of a believing wife and the Tuesday women's Bible study, he introduces the word, abuse (humanism). Now she fears and walks in Unforgiveness. This effectively cuts off the anointing; the power needed to break down Satan's stronghold. Suddenly the person or situation becomes the enemy. But the Word of God says our enemy is not flesh or blood, but the powers of darkness that rule the air above us (Eph. 6:12). Once the person believes they are being abused they start looking at the flesh and forget the spirit. Vows are completely forgotten. They begin to look at this person they vowed to love until death do us part, as the enemy. Even prayers and the motives of prayer changes. Focus moves from the problem--to self. Another example: Mary was under a lot of stress concerning finances and her husbands way of verbally expressing his concerns regarding money. Sister Smith who believes she is verbally abused starts telling Mary that this is abuse. Now when her husband expresses his concerns, Mary no longer prays about the finances or for her husband. The focus changes from the problem to deliverance from this abusive man. Now that she sees him as abusive, topics or expressions that hurts her feelings is considered abuse, rather than--hurt feelings. Now, any discussion regarded as hurtful is no longer done in love, but in anger with a defensive attitude. It is Humanism, not the Bible that says we should not suffer. Look at Matthew 10:34-39. Jesus Himself said: "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's enemies will be those of his own household. He who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. I have had a lot people tell me, and at one point convince me, that I was an abused child. Believe me, I know what it is like to be deceived into living abuse. People would tell me how terrible I should be feeling, until I was feeling that way. Until one night I crawled into my abuse and hatred for my mother. It was a really good depressive state that I had always felt justified in. A great excuse and wonderful justification for failure. I had become comfortable in my depressive, victimized state of abuse. Sure, I have some emotional scars because of some of the things that happened, but at least I am here. Those scars serve as reminders of a mother who did her best, and what I might have become. I spent most of my life running away from what and who I am. God created me and knew me before I was born. He knew that Greg needed the toughest mom alive in 1956. God knew who Greg was, and what he would be, so he set mom in charge of shaping him and keeping him in church. If one tenth of the church went after the devil like my mother does, we would run the devil right off this planet. I am telling you, the devil is afraid of my mother. She commands authority. You will not find a more tender, or caring heart than the one you will find in her, but if my mother cares about you, look out! Now, I could wallow in my own "abusive" background if I wanted to. I have only mentioned it to you, the reader, so you will know that I know what it is to live with those terrorizing feeling of being abused. Sure, you may have been abused, but you don't have to live it. Unless it has become your excuse or justification, it is okay to accept what happened and say "Oh well, or even So what.. You are a purchased, by the blood, child of the One Living God. You are washed and cleansed in the blood Jesus shed for YOU. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus. Never feel guilty about what someone or some situation has done to you. If you will let go of it, it will stop hurting you. Note: There are millions that have used abuse as an "excuse" for anger and divorce. After a few years of claiming abuse, they began to believe it themselves. Then they live a life where abuse ends up the excuse for everything . It even grows and the imagined abuse gets worse as time goes on, when there really wasnt any abuse at all. Again, I want to reiterate that there are true cases of emotional abuse, but these questions should be seriously considered before seeing a lawyer. Adultery The Second most common issue addressed in this ministry is adultery. Adultery is a violation so terrible that God made it a "permissive reason" to divorce. Adultery use to be a violation committed primarily by the man, but in the 90's it has become something both spouses are doing. Yet, I have found that in a true relationship before God it is forgivable with a complete restoration of the relationship. I classify this act in three categories. 1. The Physical Affair 2. The Mental Affair 3. The Oops The Physical Affair Actual physical affairs are repeated acts with one or more partners other than your mate. This is the most devastating and the highest form of betrayal. If you have committed an act of physical adultery you get what you get, take responsibility for your actions. Adultery is not unforgivable, and many couples have recovered completely after one or both have had affairs. The Mental Affair This is considered one of the most destructive forms of adultery. It is where one or both partners are fantasizing about someone other than their partner. It builds expectations that the other partner can never hope to fulfill. The mental affair splits a persons emotions and causes a complete breakdown in communication and feelings in the relationship. The mental affair also causes inexplicable anger, inexplicable frustrations, hidden guilt and shame that will remain unconfronted. This type of an affair can cause depression and a numbing of the effects of guilt. After the guilt is numbed, it can lead to physical adultery, and all kinds of sin. You loose your ability to see sin. The Oops The Oops is a one time act that neither party involved can really explain. Any prior planning makes this a physical affair, not an Oops. You hear statements like: "I cant explain why or what happened". "We started talking about subjects we shouldn't have". "Something came over me, I don't know what happened" The Oops usually happens with someone the violator and violated both know, or happens during high stress times. In any case the betrayed are hurt and wronged, yet at the same time the violator is just as hurt and completely ashamed. Unfortunately after committing the act, it is common for the violator, without realizing it, to start a self-destruct attitude in the relationship through guilt. Most of the time the violated does not even know it has happened, and most of the time the violator will not realize they are in a self-destruction mode. The violators guilt produces a self punishment, often destroying the relationship. Because the guilt is so devastating, the violator will sometimes blame the violated for their act. This is the ultimate form of selfishness in a relationship; to blame the other person for something you have done. The Oops is a little easier to forgive and work out. The violated or betrayed needs to look at this as an Oops, which takes a great deal of love and commitment. It also takes a little time and should never ever again be brought up or used as a weapon. The violators Oops partner should be removed from the couples lives. In this the violator better be prepared to take their medicine. A lot of humility and groveling are in order. The Lawyer A lawyer will take control and stop all communication. His first advise to you will be to stop talking altogether. This is the biggest reason to wait before seeing a lawyer. If you have decided that seeing the lawyer is the only way, then be prepared to live with and take responsibility for the decisions he will make in your behalf. The lawyer cares nothing about you or your spouse. He will appear to be your best friend, but in reality, his motive is your money. He cares nothing about your children or your partner, and can make an act of kindness by your partner seem like an attack, convincing you that you have to go through with this. The lawyer does this while they are telling you that you do not have to go through with this. Remember, a lawyer is trained and lives to manipulate. This is his job and he will do it to the best of his ability. Your welfare does not--at all--interest him; only your money. A lawyer can cause you to hate your partner worse than ever. How? By cutting all communications, leaving you to assume everything. He will tell you horror stories of past divorces and scare the living daylights out of you. He will do his best to keep you apart. If you had a friend or relative go to see the lawyer with you, this person will constantly reinforce what the lawyer said. Now lets look at another angle. There are people that get caught up in the flow of all the attention and the emotional hype of the moment. Suddenly this person will have center stage and once they do, it becomes a matter of pride; like a drug. Some people will even lie and manipulate to hold that center stage. Then one day this person looks back and sees that they held it all right, but at the expense of everyone around them. Sometimes this person will not even realize what they have done until they are going through the next divorce or the divorce of one of their children. 1. Never make a decision without first considering the consequences and checking your motives. 2. Never make a decision while angry or being pushed by some one else. When a person goes to someone and says, "what should I do?", they are in emotional duress and incapable of rational decision. The mind, emotions, and spirit are doing battle, and rest is needed before entering into any kind of decision making. Remember: the person advising you does not have to pay the price. The Prison of Unforgiveness Forgiveness is a verb, in relation to one person forgiving another. It comes from the Greek word hiemi meaning to let go, suffer or yield up. A paraphrase would be to let go of or release the offense. So, to forgive someone would mean you are releasing them from bondage, thus releasing yourself from bondage, or prison. The chains of Unforgiveness hold both you and the offender in bondage. By maintaining Unforgiveness you bind Gods hands in working in the other persons life as well as your own, and it inhibits your prayers. Look at (Matthew 6: 14-15): "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. If You do not release your brothers trespasses, God cannot let go of yours. This takes us to Matthew 18:22-35. Notice that the forgiven servant did not forgive. Because he could not forgive and held another in bondage; in prison; he himself ended up in prison right beside him where he was tortured, until he had forgiven or paid his original debt. The only way he had to pay his debt was to forgive the man that he had not forgiven. The torture or as some translate it, "the tormentors", are there as discipline or even punishment to turn us away from our Unforgiveness. This does not happen because our heavenly Father is a big bully waiting for His chance to club us. It happens because He loves us. He knows the destructive power of Unforgiveness and seeks to remove this bondage as quickly as possible. The prison of Unforgiveness is not a fun place to be. You are constantly tormented by the thoughts of revenge or the uneasiness you must endure every time this person is present, either physically or in thought. Have you noticed that, even if you were the offender and repented with your whole heart, you can still feel the stick of the person who has not forgiven you? You find yourself slipping into guilt, even after you have begged for forgiveness. You shouldn't feel like this. The responsibility is upon the one who will not forgive. The destructive power of Unforgiveness is greater than any other violation or sin known to either God or man. When you hold someone in this prison you hold them in bondage to the very thing you seek to see changed in them. You can pray until you are blue in the face and it will not do a bit of good (Mark 11:25). Be it forgiveness or Unforgiveness, we are talking about action word. While praying and seeking Gods wisdom before writing this, the Holy Spirit kept comparing forgiveness to love. Unforgiveness is the exact opposite of love; practically its mirror image. Love is an action word and is not a feeling. It is an unconditional, committed decision to do the will of God and serve another human being. It isn't an expression or a feeling, though the word love is often used to express a feeling of security or oneness. To use the word love in this way, when saying you love someone, you are in reality saying, "you effectively stimulate security and joy within me." When you stand before God and vow to love this person till death do you part you are making a holy covenant promise to God. You are promising to sacrificially, unconditionally, serve this person for life. Yet when you say you do not love them anymore (no fault divorce) you are saying, "I have made a selfish decision not to forgive this person for failing to effectively stimulate joy and security within me. or I have chosen not to forgive this person for breaking my heart (adultery), or betraying our covenant. In other words, I have chosen not to love or forgive my partner. Here we see that love and forgiveness are unconditional sacrificial decisions to put into practice Gods will in our relationships with our partners. We also see that, not to love or to walk in Unforgiveness is a decision as well. So if you end up in the prison of Unforgiveness along side your partner, being tormented by the torturers it is a choice you have made. Blaming them will not hold any water with God. Your only way out of that bondage is to forgive, just as He forgives you. Look at the two verses, right above (Matthew 6:14-15): And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one, for Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Our heavenly Father forgives us "as" or after we have forgiven. After we have forgiven then He can deliver us from the evil one; the tormentor. Until we have forgiven, the tormentors have a legal right to torment us. What are some of the natural effects of Unforgiveness? 1. Relationships fall apart. a. Even your relation with God. 2. Critical attitudes develop. a. Defending your position. 3. Effects the physical health and the mental health. a. Uneasy and depressed. 4. Effects everyone around you. a. You never relax, causing stress on everyone around you. 5. God cannot protect you. a. The tormentors, Satan's workers, have nothing to stop them. 6. Your finances are wide open to the tormentors to use against you. a. (Matt. 18:22-35) 7. You leave your children wide open to attack. a. If you are being tormented, your children will reap all you have sown with you. 8. God cannot protect your job. a. The enemy has legal rights before God when he comes to accuse you. The list goes on and on. Love and Unforgiveness can be compared to nuclear power. Nuclear powers negative side would be a bomb. Take that same power and apply it positively and it warms homes and families. It supplies lighting and energy that can run many homes. Love and Unforgiveness are equal in power and strength. One can utterly destroy and the other can bring healing and warmth. Love can conquer and wipe away Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness can conquer and wipe away love. Whichever one you feed and use the most will be the strongest and dominant factor in your life, just as a right-handed persons right hand is dominant. But if you disable the right hand and force the left to work, it will become dominant. Cutting Unforgiveness out ones life is not as easy as cutting off a hand, though there are those that would give up their dominant hand to be free of the Unforgiveness. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." Mark 11:25 Here we see how and why our prayers are inhibited. Have you been standing in faith for something and never seem to see any results? King David said it better than anyone has ever said it: "Search me, O God, and know my heart;...see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Ps. 139:23-24). Here we see the heart of David. "Search me..." Have you asked God to search your heart for what might be forgotten or misplaced Unforgiveness? Could there be a wall between you and the very thing you have been praying for? Sometimes forgiving is harder than giving up your hand. You would much rather loose your dominant hand than forgive his person for what they have done to you. When it comes to an intimate relationship like marriage, the littlest things can hurt deep. The hurt goes so deep it strangles the life (love) out of you. Forgiveness is not a feeling, It is a decision. Does forgiving mean you have to trust this person? No it does not. Once trust is broken, it must first be repaired and then earned once again. Forgiving someone is very hard and sometimes begins with the willingness to be willing to forgive. Only God can take you to that point. He can help you reach the point of wanting to forgive, if you ask him. ....you fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. (James 4:2). The tiniest acts of love can tear down that Unforgiveness. Your smallest action of love might start with a little prayer for this person. A little "bless them Lord" pulls the tormentors whip back. Then one day you can wrap your arms around them in total love. God reaches down at this point and He personally removes the tormentors from both your lives. The healing is well on its way. Now you can work on the trust again. Some get through this process faster than others. Some are willing to sacrifice a great deal to reach total forgiveness. Are you willing? To be willing? Another point and one that is being seen more and more, is the person who manages to hold Unforgiveness towards another person for something that was never done. Are you holding Unforgiveness towards a person on the grounds of a story you made up to bring validity to your testimony or justification? Are there any stories like this in your life? Or could you perhaps be believing someone else's story? Did you begin to believe the story yourself? Have you been imprisoned over false testimony; your own? Exaggeration is all a part of the anger and hurt that goes along with separation and depression. Have you exaggerated; do you have anything that you need to make right, so you can enjoy freedom and peace of mind once again? Do you want to be free? Then repeat this little prayer: Lord, please forgive my Unforgiveness. Help me to forgive and release me and ( ) from the prison of Unforgiveness. Bless ( )and open a door for me to show your love to ( ). Thank You Lord for hearing my prayer. Amen. Selfishness What part does selfishness play? (Romans 2:8) (Gal. 5:19-26) It is the most destructive form of pride. It is the root that destroys all relationships. It makes it impossible to fulfill Gods will in our lives. It also destroys our relationship with God. How can one be selfish and forgive? (1 John 2:11) It is impossible to forgive and be selfish. It is impossible to hold on to ones selfish needs and forgive. How does selfishness effect my life ? It will fuel the bitterness, anger, loneliness and false thinking. It is the essence of humanistic, feminist, materialistic and religious thinking. It will hide in the form of "setting boundaries". A selfish person cannot love. (1Corinthians 13:5) Selfishness says, "I, me, those men, those women, that man, that woman. Now what? (Matthew 5:43-48) You can not effectively walk in selfishness without Unforgiveness. Forgiveness is mercy; love is grace. (Matthew 22:37-40) You cannot be selfish when walking in forgiveness and grace. Anger Anger has many faces and is very deceptive. Anger is: - Satans means of controlling your mind, mouth and emotions. - is looked upon with great emotion (negative) - treated and judged the same as murder by our heavenly Father. Anger will cause you to do and think things you never would have done before. This is why Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:26 that you should not allow the sun to go down on your anger. Left to brew, it turns into hate. To hate is the same as murder, because you hold both you and the person or organization, in bondage. You will murder or kill a relationship with the gulf you are forced to put between you and the other person, denomination or church. You cannot hate without selfishness and Unforgiveness. Are there consequences for anger? Yes there are. We see in Matthew that God will not even accept your sacrifices when you are angry with someone. (Matt. 5:22) But I have forgive, yet I still get angry! Forgiveness is very important! Unforgiveness is like a cancer that will eat your life away. You will get angry and experience these emotions, but you must decide you are forgiving the other person. How do you avoid Unforgiveness and anger? By changing your expectations of that person, and yourself. By changing your expectations in the relationship. So what do you do about anger ? (1 Cor. 13) Acts of love will kill anger. You cannot remain angry when you walk in love and forgiveness, because when you walk in love and forgiveness, you walk in grace and mercy. Both are Godly attributes. Nothing can penetrate them. It is not an easy walk at times. Humans being humans, this is tested daily; sometimes several times a day. (Matt 6:15). Loneliness Loneliness is a very dark place, especially when accompanied by aloneness. When you are accustomed to having that special person in your life and then suddenly that relationship is being ripped apart, your needs in regards to companionship are suddenly going unmet. Even in the worst of relationships I hear people say things like, I never thought I would miss her nagging or I never thought I would miss picking up his underwear. So many have said: "I laid there in bed with my partner and the loneliness was unbelievable". "They could no longer meet my emotional needs [desires] in this area, so I divorced them". "I needed someone that could satisfy those lonely feelings". "I thought I had found someone I loved but all they did was temporarily make the lonely feelings go away. Now I am worse off than before." No human being can take away the loneliness all the time. You can only get temporary relief at best. Rebound Destruction: As humans we long for companionship, but we have come to depend on people to fill this need or desire in our lives. This is where a lot of people are utterly destroyed by rebound relationships. A rebound relationship can only produce sin and misery. Rebound relationships are sought out because of emotional needs a person is not willing to give to God. He can meet every mental or emotion need you have. Trust: You have trusted another human with your emotional and mental needs and look where it has gotten you. The pain that goes beyond all understanding. Now you fight emotional responses like: anger; loneliness, resentment; bitterness; depression; desperation; fear; and the list goes on and on. You can be in this state without thinking about divorce. God will not let you down. He will never leave you nor will he ever forsake you. He will not betray you or abuse you. Trust God with your emotional needs and you will never be lonely again. Depression: (in the sense of loss) Depression is a terrorizing state of mind. The sense of loss; hopelessness; fear; anxiety; loneliness; guilt and thoughts of self destruction. Yet with all it's terror and confusion, it is a normal state of mind during and after the divorce process. Believe it or not, depression is a part of the process of healing. During this time you are going see yourself as you have never seen yourself before. Depression exposes every emotion and sin in your life. It will force you to do one of two things: 1. You will draw closer to God and total restoration. a. You cannot totally heal without God in your life. 2. You will draw closer to the world and your fleshly desires, leading you to destruction. a. Here the person goes into a major flesh attack. They will do things they never thought they would. Decision Making Making the smallest decision during this time is very difficult; almost impossible. Your enemy, Satan, is waiting for his opportunity to destroy you. It does not matter if you are a Christian at this point. Satan knows how open you are to the Holy Spirit at this point in time and he is going to make every effort to isolate you from God. During this time you are wide open to suggestion. Mix the depression with anger and you might do something really stupid, especially if prompted by someone close to you. You might be getting advise or hearing things like: 1. Divorce them. You don't have to do this. God wouldn't want you to go through this. We will stand by you." 2. I would just smash their car, if I were you." 3. There is no way I would let them see the children, if I were you." 4. Just let them leave and find yourself a friend of the opposite sex." You are probably hearing these statements or some that are really close. Be careful because the enemy seeks to destroy you during this time. You must seek Godly advice and rely on Gods word for direction. If the person you are talking to is angry with you or your partner their advice will be tainted, or they could be angry with you and setting you up. It has also been known for a person to advise another to do something they themselves would like to but dont have the courage. These type of things have happened. Third party meddlers are largely responsible for many break-ups. Satan may not be able to get to you, but he might very well be able to get to your closest friend or even your parents. The only one you can truly trust right now is God and His Word. Get involved with a Christian Support Group. I highly recommend DivorceCare support groups. They are centered on the healing process and will help you in taking those first steps to recovery. Family Abortion A Christian will have nothing to do with abortion, but splitting the family is the next best thing to destroying a child's life. Divorce is "family abortion; a form acceptable or tolerated by most Christians. Currently, the divorce rate is over seventy percent in areas of the United States. America is Satans Family Abortion Clinic, divorce being his alternative abortion method among Christians. It is the next best thing to destroying a child's life, and tolerated by most churches. Satan has got to stop the end time generation; what better way than to destroy the end time family? The most powerful weapon against him is a united family that has weathered the storms. The plan has begun to backfire on him though. Men are finding one another and growing into a powerful force. Thanks to computers, we are connecting all over the world. There is nothing like major emotional trauma to shake us guys up a little. Satan knows how dangerous a child will be in the future and may be attacking Mom and Dad for the sole purpose of getting to the child. Or, it could be Mom and Dad that Satan fears. Throughout the Bible you can see how Satan went after the children and entire families. Satan must stop the end time generation. If he cannot abort the child while still in the mothers womb, then he will do everything possible to abort the family unit. Using the humanistic, materialist, feminist, religious poison injected into the last generation he is destroying the children and this generations families, using the words like freedom; rights; abuse; and divorce. Christians and Christian-like organizations will stand outside an abortion clinic and pray. They do everything they can legally, to save that child, but when it comes to divorce, they run away. Why? Divorce is the ultimate blasphemy to Gods Word and Will. I had a person in a group put it this way: "Where is your God and Church, if this is what Christians do to one another, I want no part of it. If this is how the Church treats its people, I want no part of it." They all walked away. They wanted no part of false love, or "lip service" as they put it. They can get that right where they are. At least they know where they stand on the streets. What message is the world getting? In essence, non-believers, figure Christians are worse than they are, and in a sense they are right. When it comes to divorce, most churches arent doing much about it. If you are reading this you are involved in some level of divorce. Maybe you are just thinking about it or know someone who is; are you witnessing great suffering, or you are suffering from the agonizing effects of separation or divorce yourself. If you are suffering from anger; loneliness; despair; depression; desperation; betrayal, and maybe a few emotions you cannot identify yet, be encouraged. It will get better. I have been right where you are. Separation and divorce can be a devastating and a terrifying experience. It is a lifetime experience, cutting deep within the heart and the emotions. The effects of this experience are at times, more damaging than the cause. No matter what anyone tells you, it is a decision that will effect you for the rest of your life and the lives you might impose this decision on. Here is a situation that I find to be true more and more: A wife has stood and prayed for her husband for, maybe, years. Satan realizes he is loosing his grip on the husband so he switches his extreme efforts to the wife who has been praying all this time. Suddenly she is afraid, when she wasn't afraid before and this inexplicable fear starts controlling her moods and decision making. Or suddenly she starts experiencing an inexplicable anger. Satan just has to tell her it is all her husbands fault and now she has a channel and a place to focus the blame. Then all he has to do is bring in someone to reinforce her fears and anger. Later we find out that the Holy Spirit had been working on the husband and had been right on the edge of salvation when the wife suddenly turned the other direction. This applies to the reverse as well. It could be the husband that is standing and experiencing the fear or anger. Divorce is often the tool used to retaliate or seek vengeance on the unforgiving, vow violating or abusive partner, more often being instigated by the guilt of an offending partner . This is especially true in the church. There is generally more emotional damage done in the divorce process than could have ever happened in ten years of marriage. Betrayal; guilt and anger are very powerful driving forces that induce all sorts of hostilities. Both partners are forced to re-live every negative moment of that relationship and then more negativity is being interjected through the divorce process. Suddenly all ten years of a ten year marriage was terrible; yet we know this isn't true. Small things are blown way out of proportion and innocent statements are suddenly being referred to as abuse. The children are affected and traumatized for life. The Children Do Not Just Get Over It In the divorce process there is anger, bitterness, confusion, selfishness, and a need to defend ones reputation and self . Both parties go into survival mode and things can get very ugly. On top of everything else you have all the loneliness, guilt, betrayal and that gut wrenching pain. There are thousands and thousands that say, "I wanted to work things out but...". That "but" usually happened after the separation. Then through selfishness and pride the relationship ends with the judges signature. Reconciliation is often also been undermined by third party peer pressure, or relatives. Here in this book we hope to offer other avenues and educate you on your decision or the decisions being made for you. We hope to assist you in recovery, rebuilding and hopefully reconciliation with God. KNOWING YOUR ENEMY Do you know who your real enemies are? Your enemies do not include: - your partner - your children - your in-laws - your family - or your partners lover For we do not battle flesh and blood (our partners). (Eph. 6:12). Your enemy is: - principalities - powers - rulers of the darkness - spiritual hosts of wickedness Your partner is not the Devil. Divorce is a spirit. It can turn into a generational curse! When things seem to be getting out of control, it is time to find out who is in control. Baal/Asherah Satan is not attacking the home but he is wooing the women and weak-minded men into his trap. He is using everything including the kitchen sink. Satan has created a person that is not real. In the old testament his/her name was Baal and Asherah. This person does not exist. He: Baal. She: Asherah can only live on television, videos, theaters, books, magazines and in the minds and imaginations of those whom Satan chooses and those who dwell on and make sacrifices unto Baal or Asherah. If you were to look at his picture he is every woman's dream. He can be anything to any woman. He woos her with her own desires and imagination, and gives her visions of things that only exists in the minds and imaginations of the writers. The same is true with men who worship Asherah. She is everything to every man. She has other names like Isis, and has been around for a long, long time. These false Gods install false expectations that no partner can accomplish. They lovingly bring division and strife into the homes and minds of the believer and non-believer alike. Baal's greatest lure is selfish desires. He knows your secret desires, hopes and dreams. He will use them to destroy you. The cults cater to the flesh and are very effective. They are very good at soothing the confused and hurting, because they offer what the flesh craves. They offer their god, with names like, goddess, sex, money, selfishness, television, the job, porn... Just about any worldly desire, but it all boils down to one thing: to serve and worship ones own selfish desires. Just what are we facing here in these last days? We see it in II Timothy 3:1-9. Notice verses 3 and 4: See the word unloving or without natural affection? Mass divorce was predicted by Paul centuries ago, describing a falling away of family loyalties. "Without natural affections" is describing a loss of love for family members. Look at what happens: When there is a loss of loyalties and commitment between husband and wife you get a traitor and a (truce-breaker). The word for truce-breaker in the Greek actually means irreconcilable differences. The word traitor actually means willing to break an oath in order to make a quick gain. Which results in being heady, meaning, a quick fix. These verses refer to divorce; unloving, traitors and irreconcilable differences. They will immediately result in "false accusers. The phrase "false accuser" translates into the word "devil, which means people are going to get so good at lying and accusing that you will think you are dealing with the devil. Now look again at verse four and notice the word "traitors". It means "willing to break an oath in order to make quick gain". In other words, these people do not think long term. Thinking is short term without consideration for any long term effects a decision may have, or concern for what's going to happen to anyone else down the road, including the children. Primary concern is--what can it do for me right now? They convince themselves that they are doing it for the children, which is a proven a lie. Decisions are hasty and reckless; not thought out. The focus is to make things a little more comfortable in the "right now", then worry about tomorrow when it gets here. We all know that the devil hates anything Godly. Hes worked a lot of overtime to see to the destruction of the home. The home (family) is Gods first and most holy institution. Breaking up the family is a trophy kill for the devil. Read 1 Timothy 4:1 and 1 John 4:1. Here Paul was referring to seducing spirits or "sorcery." Many false prophets is referring to people, both men and women; even ministers. They are not going to point blank lie, yet they will deceive or slowly lead you down the wrong paths, and will often be someone very close to you or someone you trust. These people are very convincing because they themselves are deceived. This is why we are to be grounded in and believe only the Word of God. Then you have the familiar spirits that come around and drop thoughts into the imaginations of you and your loved ones. We must be ready and committed to the Word of God so we will not be deceived. Television also plays with the imagination. We are to test the spirits, whether they are of God, with the Word of God. If it does not go along with the Word, and we do it, it is an act of rebellion (witchcraft). Anything that goes opposite of Gods Word is judged witchcraft. Keep in mind, always, that Satan is the "Lord of Lies". He is very good at it. His favorite way of getting to someone is by baiting them with what appears to be a desire of their heart. It could be a car, a house, a job or someone that has these things. Satan is like a fisherman. He baits his hook according to the appetite of the fish. Have you been baited? From testimonies and research I discovered a trick Satan uses to keep families apart upon separation. When a partner leaves, especially the woman, the gates of hell spring open and satanic blessings are heaped on the violator. The devil is determined to trick you into thinking this is God, or trick you into thinking this is better. Selfishness is in control if you believe these things. The blessings come in the form of materialistic things like a new job, car and a home or even a person. Satan lets up on the violator and they think things are better. They start enjoying a false peace of mind, but this is only temporary to get the violator to relax. Satans ultimate goal is to destroy them. He will even arrange for someone to be there when they are weakened, to ease their discomfort. He will bring someone that seems to meet their expectations and emotional needs. This person is being controlled by demonic forces. The enemy knows just what you are looking for and will do everything to meet your every desire, temporarily. After all, he planted that seed. He knows how to water it. He also knows of this other persons weaknesses and they will manifest after the remarriage. Familiar spirits will whisper just the right words into this persons ear and they will speak just what the violator wants to hear. The violators are being baited and set up. Later they will discover they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Familiar spirits; spirits who know everything there is to know about you; will speak to a person, reassuring them that everything is okay, that God will forgive them and their happiness is all that matters to Him [God]. This is ultimate selfishness! He (Satan) will come as an angel of light, and will even quote them scripture and bring religious people into their lives to justify their actions. Common lies Satan plants into a violator or truce-breaker are: God will forgive you, you can start all over. - Yes, He will forgive you, but there will be a high price to pay. God has released you from this marriage due to ... - He loves to tell this one to women, but men are saying it too, especially if there has been unfaithfulness. See how well things are going since you left? God must be behind what you are doing. - Satanic blessings to lure you into his ultimate trap. You do not have to take this anymore. Gods grace will be with you; you have to leave; nothing is going to change. Satan can really put the pressure on. At times you will have unexplained anger and feel as though you are going to loose your mind. This can be Satanic. You need to bind Satans power and communicate these things to your partner or pastor. Note: Satan loves to get a partner to make the other partner leave. Often they dont even realize what happened until its too late. Satan can make an excuse taste like "Gods Word". Statements made by truce-breakers include: "We were divorced spiritually, long before I left." "He is not a spiritual leader in the home." "We missed it. We were never to be married." "She is not a submissive wife." "He/She treats the children wrong." "God would not make me go through this." (marriage problems) "God has someone else who will treat me as I should [want to be] treated." "They will never change. Nothing will change.". "I have found my soul mate." "I am not in love anymore." [I choose not to love anymore] There is positively no scripture to back up these excuses or statements to condone divorce. They are lies from hell! If you are listening to one of these lies, it is not God. (II Cor. 11:14). To believe one of these lies is self deception; the worst kind of deception. It is the most difficult to overcome because its use to cover personal sin and guilt (Gal. 6:7). Not a thought or word has any power until it is believed. Once believed is has great power in your life. What you believe is your choice. Choose wisely. Are You Being Baited? -Has Satan placed someone in your life who is encouraging a humanistic or materialistic line of thought? -Are you thinking that you can do better? -Are wrong things filling your dreams? -Is some one telling you that you can do better? -Has Satan placed someone in your life other than your mate? -Are you having a mental affair with someone? -Are you dealing with unexplainable anger? -Do you find you are wanting what someone else has (someone elses partner)? -Is your anger telling you that all your problems are because of your mate? -Are you jealous of someone else's relationship? -Do you feel you have missed something and want to spread your wings of freedom? -Do the things of this world, house, job, car etc...seem to important? -Are you being selfish with your feelings towards your mate? -Do you find yourself fantasizing about how life would be with someone else? -Do you find yourself thinking, "nothing will change"? -Is someone telling you that nothing will change? This is all bait, are you starting to believe it, or have you already taken the bait? All of these thoughts are geared toward self. They are lies from hell, but believed by the violator. Satan can make an excuse taste like "Gods Word", so you need to be careful who you receive from. Satan is the Lord of lies and deception; he knows the word better than we do and can twist it to meet his needs. Another common practice Satan uses, if he can, is to use a trusted person you know to cast doubt into you, like Satan tried to use Peter to cast doubt into Jesus. He knew he would be recognized in a moment if he tried to speak to anyone that was saved and walked in the anointing, so he disguises his voice through someone you already trust and/or respect. Testing the Spirits: Who is in Control? What is the main topics of conversation in your Home?  __________________________________(Phil. 4:8; Eph. 4:29) How is love expressed in your home? ___________________________________ (Rom. 12:10; 1 Cor. 13:4) How do you deal with hardship in your home? ___________________________________(II Tim. 2:3; II Tim. 2:15) Are you giving your first fruits to God? ____________________________________(Mal. 3:8; 10; Luke 12:24) Key Ingredients to Look For in the Home: Is there any: Selfishness (root cause for all divorces) Domineering person Lack of trust Unforgiveness Pride Anger Strife Satanic symbols (music, TV, posters, etc) Sexual immorality (fantasizing) Backbiting Course speech (course jesting) Do not fight against family. It will only leave you standing alone. They will view it as an attack. Does it seen as though something else is in control of your home? Here are some very simple steps you can take: 1. Do not start looking for demons in door knobs. Satan loves it when you concentrate on him rather than the Word of God. a. When you bind Satans power in your home you have declared war. Expect a counter attack. 2. Put Jesus in control of your home. a. You must relinquish "control" to the Holy Spirit. He will fight the fight and give you wisdom. 3. If there is any Unforgiveness in your heart you must get rid of it. It could be the open door. a. Unforgiveness pens a huge door for the enemy and can bring Gods holy discipline. (Matt 18:18-35) b. When there is Unforgiveness, you hold the person you have not forgiven in bondage to the very thing you want to see changed. 4. Remove any strife (anger) from your life. a. It gives place to the devil and gives him legal control of the situation (Eph. 4:25-32). 5. Get into the Word of God and begin reading scripture out loud in your home (very important). a. This drives the enemy nuts. This is how Jesus and every effective child of God does battle with Satan. He can not resist the Word of God. 6. You must also have a time of praise and worship. a. You must also praise one another. Try it, it feels good. Heavenly Protection (II Cor. 10:3-5; Job 1:10) 1. First you must be in right standing with God. a. "Lord search my heart and reveal unto me any sin that would hinder my prayers" 2. Bind the enemy in your home. a. "Satan I bind your power and influence in my home in the name of Jesus" 3. Pray for a "hedge of protection" around your partner and children. a. "Father, in the name of Jesus, place a hedge of protection around my home and family, and teach me to care for it" 4. Pray this prayer every day. Lay hands on and bless your children and your partner everyday. a. By doing this you break the power of the enemy and tear down strongholds. 5. Cast down all false reasoning. a. "false reasoning" are things that have influence on your family, such as books, TV, false friends, false prophets. b. "Father, In the name of Jesus I come against everything in my home that is bringing "false reasoning" into the hearts and minds of my family." 6. Cast down every wrong thought. a. "in the name of Jesus I bind every wrong thought that might manifest itself in my home." 7. Fast at least one day a week. (don't tell anyone). Do not try to take things into your own hands. You will only cause more stress and your family may look at it as an attack on them. For instance; I wouldn't recommend throwing out the television. You might have a riot on your hands. Instead find something else they might like to do, and do it together. You will begin to see changes in how your family thinks and reacts to worldly things in the home. They will see your dedication and follow. "The Unfaithful Partner" Three things will happen when you build a hedge around an unfaithful partner: 1. He or she may become confused and lose direction. (Hosea 2:6) 2. Any other "lovers" may loose interest and leave. (Hosea 2:7a) 3. Troubles may motivate your partner to return. (Hosea 2:7b) Remember: 1. This prayer binds Satans power and influence in your partners life. 2. This prayer isn't guaranteed to change your partners will after the influences are removed. 3. It is very important that you follow up (Hosea 2:14-16). Heavenly Father, I ask you in the name of Jesus to bind Satan. I ask you to build a hedge of thorns around [my partner] so that anyone with wrong influences will loose interest and leave. I base my prayer on your Word, "what therefore God hath joined together let no man put asunder". Thank You Jesus for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen. PREPARING FOR THE BATTLE Who is the center of your life? Today is your day. You have to seize it. You cannot wait until tomorrow or try to fix things on your own. You can now begin a whole new life. Today is the day. You are not reading this by accident. Salvation You can receive Jesus as your personal Savior just by asking. Allow Him to fight this battle for you and do a wondrous work in your life. Eternity in heaven awaits you. Repeat this simple prayer from your heart: "Jesus, come into my heart. I am a sinner and ask that you forgive me for my life of sin. I confess with my mouth that you are Lord Jesus, and believe in my heart that God has raised you from the dead. I believe by faith I am now saved, according to the Word of God. Amen If you just repeated this prayer, I would like to welcome you into the family of God. You are clean through the blood of Jesus. You are a child of the Great "I AM". The one and only God. Now there are things you must do: - Go tell someone what you have just done. - Find a good Bible believing, Bible teaching church. - Baptism I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior on _____________. Fellowship Maybe you have already received Jesus into your heart and have allowed the cares of this world to get between you and Jesus. Now you find yourself wounded, broken and out of fellowship with him. Life is a mess and you have this lonely empty feeling deep within you. That is the spirit longing for fellowship with Jesus. I have heard thousands say that they go to bed at night and feel lonely, with their partner right there, not realizing that it was their spirit crying out for fellowship with God. You can now begin a whole new life in Jesus. Repeat the following: Jesus, I have sinned and want to restore my fellowship with you. Your Word says If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Jesus, forgive me of my sins and cleanse me now. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen. If you just repeated this prayer, I want to be the first to welcome you home. I restored my fellowship with Jesus on _________________. Religious Spirit Religion is a trap people fall into. Jesus hated religion. He likened it to lukewarm water; to be spit out. Religious people are self-deceived and can cause many to fall or live unfruitful lives. Religious people honor God with speaking and long prayers, but dont honor Him with their hearts. They creep into our homes and deceive us, taking captive the weaker ones who are without the full knowledge of truth (Matt. 15:8-9). They have a form of godliness, but deny its power. Scripture warns that we stay away from people like this. They are always learning but never find the truth (2 Tim. 3:5-7). Are You Living a Religious Lifestyle? Repeat the following: Jesus, I have sinned. I am living a religious life. I want the fullness of You within me. Your Word says, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Jesus, Forgive me for my selfishness, come into my heart and cleanse me now. Thank You Jesus for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen. You may not realize it right now, but you have just made a very powerful decision. It is very hard to come back from a religious lifestyle. I denounced my religious lifestyle on ___________________. God is raising up a delta force, Divorce Warriors, specialized in training for the purpose of fighting this battle. Are you willing? Are you angry enough to fight? Have you witnessed Satans attack, does it make you angry? I have seen it and it has made me angry. So I stepped out, strapped on my armor, raised my sword, and got into the battle; and what a battle it is. It makes every human war look like a walk in the park. Yet when it looks as though I might fall under the stress and heat of conflict, Jesus, our Commander is always there to hold me and encourage me. The anointing comes and I am renewed with a supernatural strength that only the Holy Spirit brings. The number one requirement is to have your heart right before God. In preparing for battle your armor can not have any holes in it. The things that leave you open are (Rom.1:29): 1. Religion (James 1:26) 2 . Selfishness (Phil. 2:3) 3 . Unforgiveness (Matt. 18:33-35) 4. Sexual Immorality (1 Cor. 5:1) 5. Lies (James 3:14) 6. Gossip; whisperings (2 Cor. 12:20) 7. Pride (1Jn. 2:16) 8 False humility (Mark 7:22) There is No Condemnation (Rom. 8:1) The first thing the enemy is going to do, is try and weigh you down with your past. He has to slow you down and/or stop you from receiving Gods blessings and protection. You are now a new creature in Christ Jesus. Satan will do all he can to snatch away the truth being planted in you . (Matt 13:19). It is my hope and prayer that I can help you come to a better understanding so that Satan can not steal the Word that is being sown in you today. I pray everyday for the Holy Spirits knowledge and wisdom in my own walk with Him. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus and walk according to the Spirit and not according to your own lusts and desires (Rom. 8:2). The number one rule to remember is, the Holy Spirit gently convicts. Satan condemns. The Holy Spirit will convict you of things the two of you will be dealing with. Satan will accuse and condemn you in an attempt to overload you by getting you to do too much at once. With condemnation comes fear. Fear is not of God. Satan will try to frustrate and break you by terrorizing you with your past. He will even use his influence on those around you. You must pray for them. Remember, God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2Tim. 1:7). Giving your entire life and situation to Jesus is one of the hardest things you will do, but it is vital to your recovery and restoration. We as humans have a craving to be in control, but there is no condemnation because you have given the problem to Jesus. You have planted bad seed and there will be a harvest. If you have given it to Jesus then Gods mercy and grace will be with you during this time of reaping. I wish there was a way to avoid this, but there isn't. You can make the process easier by righting your wrongs and forgiving. (Gal. 6:7) Prayer and the Word will make the stings heal quicker and not hurt as much, but be careful of excuse making and take responsibility for your Harvest (actions). As Jesus roots up and exposes the bad crop you need to be planting good seed in its place. It may take a little while before you start seeing the fruit of the seed you are now planting, but stand firm and do not allow the enemy to steal what has been planted. Wait, expecting a harvest. Getting to Know God You have either just come to know Jesus or you have been gone for a while and need to re-establish your relationship with Him. Getting to know your Father isn't as hard as you might think, but as in any relationship, you are only going to get out of it what you put into it. Relax in His care and allow Him to make the changes. Spend as much time as possible with Him. Word of God is Jesus Daily time in Gods Word will cause changes in your heart and life, without thinking about it. It is here you will find your destiny. As He speaks to you through His Word (His Son, Jesus), miracles will happen in your life. There is great power in those words. Read at least four chapters from Psalms and one from Proverbs everyday for a month. This is the heart of God. You will see Jesus here more vividly than anywhere else in the Bible. Here you will see His love, mercy, grace, wrath and judgment. Every aspect of Gods character can be found in these two books. Read out loud, it drives the enemy nuts. Read the Gospel of John; Acts and Romans. First read them through, then later you can study out parts. Right now concentrate on getting the Word in you. With it comes a great anointing. Memorize verses and chapters that stand out to you; especially the ones that step on your toes. Daily Prayer (Communion) The Lord wants to hear your requests. He enjoys the closeness that is established, and so will you. Praying draws you closer and into the presence of God. Here is where He gives you those supernatural hugs and gives you insight into your situation or circumstances. Here is where you make your requests known (Phil. 4:6). Jesus told us that we should pray in order to avoid temptations. Who tempts us? Not God! (Luke 22:40). If you hurt, He wants to hear about it. He is the only One whom you can have the security in knowing it will not be repeated. He wants to hear about your doubts and fears. His love goes way beyond anything you can imagine. Your Motives and Intent (1 Chron. 28:9) Your motives for rebuilding or recovering are extremely important. It will determine if what you are doing is for Jesus or for selfish reasons. This could turn into the ultimate form of manipulation and you will not get the response you are looking for. Remember, selfishness is the number one root cause to every divorce situation. Lets check your motives: Why are you seeking after God right now ? Why are you reading this study guide? If you answered, "to repair my marriage" then you might have a problem. Your motive should be to make your ways pleasing unto the Lord and to learn His ways. Though repairing your marriage is a great motivation, we are to seek Him first and everything else will be added (Matt. 6:33; Isa. 58:2). This is a covenant promise between you and God. Do not be fooled by your own thoughts. Satan can trick you into thinking you have the right motives when in fact it is nothing but a satanic lie. He uses this one on the ladies quite effectively, because their thoughts are also feelings. They relate a lot of memories and feelings to thought. If Satan can generate a feeling, it can be misinterpreted as heart. This works with the guys to but not as effective or as lasting. Honoring The Lords Day (Isa. 58:13) You should get on your knees right now and ask Gods forgiveness if you are not honoring the Lords Day, then you need to ask your family for their forgiveness. As you can see this comes with a promise. Honoring the Lords Day not only refers to attendance. It also includes the giving of tithes; offerings; giving of yourself (i.e. the nursery), and entering into the teaching and fellowship of the Lord. You are important. God will use you to bless others. This is why fellowship is so important. Make it a special day of spiritual refreshment and closeness to God and your family, by dedicating this day the Lord. Remember--honoring the Lords day starts the night before. Have clothing and whatever is needed ready in advance. This way, peace will reign instead of confusion. At first, try sitting down and making a list. This will help you form a very good habit. Iron things that need ironing and polish those shoes the night before so that Sunday morning will go smoothly and be less hectic. Work together and make plans for Sunday. Make it a day the entire family looks forward to. Men, fathers and husbands, you need to take the lead on this. It is your God given responsibility, but ladies, if he is not there yet, do not condemn or push. Do not try to do the Holy Spirits job. Men, if you do not know how to iron I am sure your wife or mother-in-law will be tickled to show how, and your enthusiasm will bless her. You are able to get ready faster than she is, so take charge of the kids and let her do her Sunday morning prepping. You will be richly blessed by this. Learn where things are and just leave her alone to get ready. Pray and bless the Lords day. Do this as a family and you will be blessed. God will honor those prayers. Jesus is going to return, and His return is but a breath away. Satan has launched and all out attack on the family and marriages. We cannot fight him on his terms. You will loose without the anointing that comes with salvation. THE FIRST SIXTY DAYS: MY PARTNER HAS LEFT The Surprise! This is a very tough time for you. Be very careful about making any major decisions. Your struggle and pain will be different whether you are male, female or have the kids. I have come up with a pretty good general plan. You are most likely experiencing pain that goes beyond all understanding. Jesus is here for you. You are not alone. So, what do you do? Please do not do anything in anger! It is best if you can avoid doing anything at all other that pray, if you can. I understand the pain and desperation to save your marriage and your sanity, but you must be careful. Do not allow yourself to be set up. If you do something in anger, it can make things ten times worse and add justification to your partners decisions and actions. Remember that your partner is running on a high level of emotion also, no matter how numb they may appear. If you need to protect yourself, then do so legally. If you are reading this after the fact, you may have already said or done some things. 1. If you need to ask forgiveness from anyone youve spoken negatively regarding your partner, list them: _____________________________________ _____________________________________ _____________________________________ _____________________________________ 2. Ask your partners forgiveness: Date:____________ Partners Name:_______________________________ 3. Ask Gods forgiveness: Date:____________ Scripture:______________ 4. Ask your children for their forgiveness (very important): Date:____________ Childrens Names:_________________________ _________________________ _________________________ 5. STOP! WAIT, and LISTEN to the Holy Spirit. Church or support persons phone number: ______________________ ______________________ You are running almost exclusively on emotional energy right now. Seek out your church leaders and get into your prayer closet! This is a crisis situation that needs to be placed in Gods hands before you can inflict damage. 6. If your partner has retained legal counsel then you need to defend yourself. Do so with the right attitude. Satan is going to try and clobber you with all sorts of fears and worries. He knows how and when to trigger your imagination. He will do everything in his power to get between you, God, and your partner. 7. DO NOT PREACH AT YOUR PARTNER. Do not play God by taking matters into your own hands. If you want to do it, he will let you. Who do you want in control? (see Knowing your Enemy) 8. Get into the Word of God. Psalms & Proverbs. Favorite Psalm: ___________ Favorite Proverb: ____________ The Pain that Goes Beyond all Understanding This kind of pain is terrible and terrorizing at times. You need to turn it positive as soon as you can. I believe Gods grace is covering you during that first shock period, but you will reap what you sow. So sow good things. (read James 1) You are going to want to start looking up all the scriptures on divorce and you will start judging your partner. Do not do this. It will only cause you more grief. You will be judged as you judge, and with the same degree you use, it will be measured back to you. (Matt 7:1-2) You will experience grief. It is necessary (see Ten Stages of Grief). You need to start working on yourself. I know this is very difficult because you are constantly thinking about the situation at hand and your partner. You have to try and concentrate on Godly things. If you have the children, read them Bible stories. It will help calm all of you. You will be compelled to do something. Do not do it! You have been violated and humiliated. Guilt, fear and betrayal are most likely the dominant emotions you are experiencing right now, and play a big part in triggering self-defense emotions of anger, pride, withdrawal, bitterness, and blame. This is exactly what Satan wants to cause you to lose control to him. I can guarantee Satan is standing around waiting for his chance. Do not give it to him. He will magnify and distort everything that is said or done. Later you may realize that what your partner said wasn't what they meant at all, but by then it may be too late (Phil. 4:8). Dont Plug Yourself Into Television Like the VCR, you will record everything you see and hear. Your heart and emotions are wide open to suggestion. The imagination runs wild and can potentially block the leading of the Holy Spirit. Christian programming is great! I know of a man who sat in front of TBN for four solid days. He said it saved his life and marriage. You dont have to do anything that drastic, but if you need to, go for it. Be Careful of the Music You Listen To Listen to uplifting music. Remember, you are wide open to suggestion. Just one, he or she done me wrong song can cause a cycle of hate and destruction. Watch What You Say (to anyone) You can flat out talk yourself into almost anything. You can have yourself believing lies about your partner. Depending on who you talk to, you might have help in believing things that are not true, and it almost always gets back to the other person. If you have a true friend who knows how to listen, great! But they should never encourage the negative (see Friends and Family). Do Not Assume Anything!!! Give it to God and leave it in His hands. This is tough. The temptation is to justify, or figure out why this is happening. Use this time to discipline yourself. Call upon Jesus to help you. He is always there. You may feel like youre going to die but--you will not. It has been proven that separation and divorce are among the most painful experiences known. The fear can transcend anything you have ever experienced before but--you will make it. The pain will go away, and things will get better. You must try to endure your hardship with thanksgiving. At first this thanksgiving comes as a sacrifice, and comes hard, but with hardships come great blessings and a renewing of strength and dedication to the Lord (read Heb. 12). Count this as the greatest time of your life; not the worst. It drives Satans nuts and people will see. Before long, they see Jesus in you, and want what you have (read James 5:11 now). How can you let others see Jesus in you during this time? Friends and Family Often, friends and family can be the worst of enemies at this point. They will tell you what they think you want to hear. Sometimes they take advantage of your weakened condition to vent off personal issues. Do not allow anyone to speak evil of your partner, even if it is true. The intention is to help but all it does is cultivate selfishness, Unforgiveness and justification. If the children hear this, it can cause lifetime damage. Then there are those that will try to run down everything they feel you have done wrong. You know what you did. If anything, you need encouragement, not chastisement. Remember, most mean well. Surround yourself with positive people. Join a support group. Dont go looking for a meat market. It will only lead to regret. Unforgiveness stops God from operating in your situation. You are hurting; you are going to hurt, and that's okay, however, bitterness, selfishness, blame and Unforgiveness is not. In the hurt you will become stronger than you ever thought possible. The wrong attitude will weaken and destroy you. Check Your Motives Check your motives before you do anything. If they are selfish, check them again. Some motives have to be for self, but keep them in place. THE CHILDRENS MESSAGE The myths surrounding this topic are many. Like most I believed these myths and theories regarding children of divorce. This chapter will deal primarily with visible behaviors and their effects. The long term psychological effects will be covered in another book. Volumes can be written on that topic alone. I have seen and experienced first hand the tears and pain separation and divorce cause children. Parents and adult children of divorce agree that the effects of divorce lasts for life. Divorce is possibly the most devastating thing a child can experience, but there have been some very positive results once Jesus is introduced into their lives and understanding. One of the most damaging things to a child's life regarding divorce is the absence of daily interaction with the father. Without it, children are robbed of their true identity. Separation and Divorce: First Aid for Children First we will talk about the immediate care a child needs to get through the first stages of separation and divorce. This is intentionally a very simple, straight forward approach designed to get you thinking about how you are handling the situation. This is a childs message in a childs language. If a youngster cannot clearly understand what is written here then it fails to serve its purpose. Anyone who has ever taken a First Aid course is familiar with the term, the golden hour. Its that critical time immediately following injury or trauma that largely determines how recovery will go, or even if they recover at all. Without proper care the victim has a very low chance of surviving. In this chapter we are going to talk about mental and emotional CPR (Children, Parents, and Responsibilities). The First Ninety Days The first 90 days are going to be the most critical. These are the golden hours in regards to the children's emotional and mental well-being. What is done and how it is done will determine the recovery time and the amount of healing that will be needed. There are thousands of things you shouldnt do. The following is a list of eight points I feel are the most important and their effects. Eight Ways to Eventually Lose Your Children. If you want to keep them do NOT: 1. Lie You will pay for this dearly in the long run, and so will they. Children tend to remember as they grow up. They will figure things out and hate you and anyone else involved in the lie. You must protect your children from lies at all costs, even if it means risking their anger. Pain from truth heals quickly. Lying breaches trust and can break bonds--sometimes forever. 2. Exaggerate the other partners actions This goes right along with the pains of betrayal, desperation, anger and loneliness. It is very difficult not to indulge when these feelings are present. But, your children know. They might even go along with you at first in order to keep the peace. After all, Mom and Dad are leaving one another out of anger. What is going to happen if Mom or Dad gets angry with them? 3. Blame the other partner for decisions you make Never say you are filing for divorce because you hat; are angry with, or because you cannot forgive the other partner. This establishes the fact that you do not forgive and plants deadly seeds in your children. Never ever say you are filing for divorce because you hate, are angry with, or because you cannot forgive the other partner. This establishes the fact that you do not forgive and plants deadly seeds in your children. Things like: a. Forgiveness is not as important as a persons happiness b. It establishes a pattern of selfishness c. Family loyalties are not as important as ones own desires d. What if Mom or Dad get angry with me? e. Step-dad does some of the things Dad did. Does that mean Mom will divorce him too? 4. Compare your partner with others No one is perfect. When you compare your partner to someone else that isnt perfect, the children wonder why you left to begin with. They dont see things as you do. Their love is unconditional, and comparing one partner with another will tear them apart emotionally. You force them to choose sides. 5. Speak or behave in a hostile manner towards the other partner Your children will get older and remember. They are not going to understand your feelings of hostility towards the other partner. Again you are ripping them apart and causing them to choose. It may not be you. Later when they can decide for themselves, you might find yourself alone. What are you teaching them in this situation or through these circumstances? When all is said and done will they be stronger, or they will be weaker. 6. Use your children for a sounding board If you need a sounding board, find an adult. Do not vent your feelings on your children. This too will come back to haunt you. They are not just listening to your words; they watch your actions and interpret what you say and do. They will store this in their minds and one day repeat every word as they understood it. You could be a liar by the way a child's mind has interpreted what you said in a moment of heated emotions. It will not take them long to figure out that a lot of your emotion is only an attempt to make you look good and the other one look bad. 7. Withhold visitation Do not keep the children from seeing the other partner unless you have a genuine HONEST reason. Dont make things up to justify punishing your partner with the children. Later they will figure out that you manipulated them into not wanting to visit. They will figure it out--and will hate you for it. 8. Talk about child support issues around the children Among the children I talked to they said six things about child support: 1. It was the custodial parents way of getting revenge 2. The custodial parent blamed every financial hardship on lack of support 3. The custodial parent made too big a deal out of it 4. The children were sick of hearing about it 5. Why did we leave if things were going to be so bad? 6. It was stressful and caused them to hate the other partner, because it stressed the custodial parent out, not because of the lack of money Children are not stupid. They wonder why you bought that item if the family is so financially desperate. They wonder why they cant join the baseball team but you can go out every Friday night with the girls/boys. How can you afford new clothing every payday and scream when the support check is late or never comes? Children are not stupid. It is better to not discuss the support issues at all with them. Because it is called Child Support they will look at all issues as their fault. Sometimes secretly. These points and responses were the result of talking to children and adult children of divorce. They werent taken from a book or some obscure study. Originally the children came up with about fifty points, but agreed that these eight were the most important. Notice that there isnt one materialistic thing listed here. Also notice that all said that these points were something they eventually figured out, or knew but didnt say anything. I heard one statement in particular a lot: Do you parents think we are stupid? The harder you try to turn a child against the other partner, the less they will think of you. Seven Ways to Save Their Lives 1. They must be told constantly it is not their fault No matter what they say, a child will believe it is their fault to some degree. You must reinforce the fact hat it isn't their fault; that it was a decision made by the adult or adults involved, in a manner that doesnt point fingers. Do not tell them or allow them to believe their pain is caused by the other partner. Remember, they are not stupid. They will interrupt this as their fault. I know this doesnt make lot of sense to an adult, but it makes perfect sense to a child. 2. Use restraint when speaking around the children Your children are like little tape recorders. What and how you say it is filtered through their emotions before it is stored on their tapes. These tapes will play back with every emotional trigger they experience for the rest of their lives. You could be creating something you will not like as a teenager or young adult. Then, when you ask them why, or what happened, they will play back those tapes. You may not like what you hear. Everything you say is a seed that may not grow until the children themselves are married, then, when it comes to any advice you may have to offer about relationships or marriage, your word will no longer be very credible with them. 3. Be honest and do not assume anything One of the most destructive myths generated is that children are resilient and will snap back or just get over it. This assumption will commit a child to a lifetime of heartache and shattered relationships. Without proper care and healing they will grow up with anger and bitterness as the root reaction to negative emotional stimulation, unable to commit to anything. They live in fear, expecting someone else to set them free. Children of divorce grow up expecting their mates to fill that void left in them by the absent parent. Not one single child of divorce said that a step parent ever filled that void. They did say that Jesus satisfy the void where nothing else could. Most tried everything from drugs to sleeping around to fill that empty place, but nothing fit like Dad or Mom. It didnt matter what their parents were like; they just wanted them--in their lives. 4. Be open to your childrens feelings, actions and responses In talking with these children, some said it was the first time an adult showed interest in their feelings regarding the divorce--or divorces. This included adults! Some of these people had held all that anger and bitterness within for as long as thirty years. They had questions that were never answered, and there were questions that no one had ever asked--them. They felt that no one really cared--including their parents. The feelings they had buried down inside were consistently either directly or inadvertently the cause for their own divorces. After talking with them many said that more healing had taken place in that short time than in their entire lives, whether it was an email response or talking with me over the phone. They all said they could remember the divorce as if were yesterday, or could recall their feelings as they grew into adolescence and began to see the truth of what happened. Some realized that these feelings had tortured and traumatized them their entire lives. Now we have a great part of that generation trying to raise this generation under all that buried hurt. In talking to the teens and pre-adolescent children, I discovered a severe lack of trust for the custodial parent. Why was that? The answer they gave was--because they never cared about their feelings or took the time to ask how they were doing. It was agreed in a group of eight teens one day that the real problem was--children raising children. Instead of instilling traditional values and respect, this built in rebellion and resentment towards all adults with a total lack of respect for authority figures and the system. I didnt limit my research to any income level in particular. Some of the adult children I talked with were counselors, teachers and clergy. Some of the teens would be considered well off, yet none of these children cared anything for the house; clothing; cars or material things their parents bought them. They all said they would rather live on the streets where someone would listen. But of course, the problem with that is, you still end up with children raising children. T.D. Jakes once said in an interview: These children do not know who they are, and will become whatever the first person they encounter tells them they are. This could be a gang member or another child. Who is shaping your childs destiny? What is shaping your childs destiny? Are they being shaped in accordance with your anger? 5. Remember, they are feeling the same hurt you are When you are lying there in your bed hurting and alone wondering what happened, your children are in the next room hurting and thinking the very same things. Dont be selfish. Keep this in mind when that hollow gut wrenching feeling crawls up and hits your heart. Keep in mind when your imagination runs a thousand miles an hour: so is theirs. Even if they dont admit it--ask. Let them know you care about their feelings and be a listener. When they express their hurt, dont interrupt and dump your pain on them. Listening and interacting with your children is going to bring your pain to the surface. It will hurt terribly to listen to their pain, knowing that youre the cause of some of it. Take your medicine! They have got to feel at ease expressing their negative feelings, even if theyre directed at you. Dont offer excuses; dont offer blame. If its appropriate, apologize for your partner or ex-partner. Let the children heal; dont deepen the wounds. Dont permit your pride to be the destruction of generations of children. 6. Be willing to cuddle; allow your children to vent or cry Children crave and need physical contact. There is more healing power in a cuddle than a years worth of counseling. I had a little boy come sit on my lap and ask me to be his daddy for the evening. I agreed; he softly whimpered and cuddled in my arms for nearly two hours. It rips my insides up just to remember this incident. He must have said at least fifty times, "I am sorry Mommy". Later I found out that this little guy thought Mommy was angry with him too. She stopped cuddling with Daddy when she was angry. Now Daddy is gone and she wouldn't cuddle with him anymore either. He was afraid Mommy was going to ask him to leave. Because she kept expressing her anger towards "that Man" he felt her anger was towards all males. She had also used the expression, when angered, "you are just like your father". Now this all happened two years prior, but his little tape player hadn't stopped. 7. Be respectful when the children see you and your ex-partner together (watch body language) Several children expressed that they had always wanted to go see their other parent but couldn't handle the way the two of them acted when they were around one another, so they just kept away from the non-custodial parent to avoid conflict. After all, they had to live with the custodial parent. Whenever a desire to see the non-custodial parent was expressed the custodial parents response left them feeling guilty for wanting to see Daddy or Mommy, so some lied about their feelings toward the non-custodial parent to avoid the guilt and conflict that resulted in telling the truth. Then later when they did tell the truth about how they felt, the custodial parent would say, "but that isn't what you said back then". The child was afraid to express their true feelings. Now they hate the one they couldn't express them to. Sometimes this includes all adults. These children went through life expressing feelings about the non-custodial parent that werent even true. Why? Because these two adults couldn't show respect or be civil towards one another. The above points can be confirmed by talking to just about anyone that has gone through it. Those who have healed found Jesus to be the only way to fill the emptiness and repair the hurt. If you are still blinded by the pain you may be in a form of denial that will not allow these feelings to surface. A mother asked her forty year old son if his life of torment and failures were due to his dad. She was completely blown away to learn that it wasn't Dad at all, but her. You see, this forty year old man had been told his entire life it was his absent father that caused all the pain and emptiness within him. He had forgiven his father thousands of times but found no relief. Then Jesus came in and sorted things out. The reason the man could never heal was because he had been forgiving the wrong person, all those years. He was held in bondage to Unforgiveness through the bitterness of his mother. She blamed a guy that wasn't even there for all her anger and failures, thus sentencing her children to experience the same anger as she did. When your children express their hurt NEVER EVER come back with, "How do you think I feel! or Ive been there." and then hit them with your sad story. You will loose them. Grandparents and Divorce I was having a hard time writing this section because of the split emotional response I would get from the children of divorce. Grandparents play a big part in most divorce cases. Never let the children hear you tell their parent to divorce their partner. Never assume the children are asleep. Nearly all the children I spoke with said they heard the most while laying in bed. Others say they were sent outside--but they listened at the door or through a window. Its deeply hurtful and confusing because of their love and loyalty to their parents. They do not see things the way you see them. You could be ripping holes in the hearts of your grandchildren and never know it until their little tape recorders play it back for you one day, or when you are sitting alone wondering why your grown grandchildren refuse to visit you. If you are sitting alone today, think about it. It might be repairable with a simple statement like, "please forgive me. There is one commandment that carries a promise in the Bible: Honor your father and your mother as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you... (Deut. 5:16) This very commandment also carries a curse. For God commanded, honor your father and your mother and, he who curses or reviles or speaks evil of or abuses or treats improperly his father or mother, let him surely come to his end by death. Matt. 15:4, Amplified) There is also a warning for those who cause a child to dishonor their father or mother. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. (Matt. 18:6) What happens if your child or grandchild is walking in Unforgiveness? Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you? And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses. (Matt. 18:33-35) Wolves Wolves are men or women who are looking to catch another on the rebound. You are vulnerable right now, no matter what your head is telling you, or how together you might think you are. You are vulnerable. Satan may attempt to bring someone into your life or turn your head towards another. Do not seek the opposite sex for comfort. You will be forever regretting it if things get out of hand. It can cause a conflict in you that is extremely difficult to overcome and can cause mental pictures to form that you dont want. It can also jeopardize reconciliation with your partner should she find out about other involvement's. Ive heard of spouses leaving just to see if the other partner would latch on to someone else. There is absolutely no way of determining this. Do not assume; let Jesus rule your heart and emotions during this time of grief. Do not allow your emotions to control you, and dont let anyone else take control of your decisions, i.e. a lawyer. God knows, and I know how badly you hurt right now. I have felt those horrible pains in my gut and was tormented by those very same emotions. I found peace in reading my Bible, out loud. Read Psalms like a letter written to you. God, in His love and grace will open the scriptures. You will see the Word like you have never seen it before. I know its very hard. The loneliness and betrayal is terrible, but you must focus. Get alone with God and cry. Just--cry and cry. There is no better cleansing for the soul. Do not go to the world for comfort. They will turn your pain against you. Dont forget the wolves. They want what is Gods. They will devour and utterly destroy everything belonging to God. Dont be deceived by their kind words and sympathy. They are stroking you, waiting for a clean clear shot at your heart. Dont be--deceived. You may have already noticed that the people have scattered. Hold fast. Dont give into the loneliness that is crying out to the world. No one really knows why people do this, but it happens about ninety percent of the time. Perhaps its because they feel expected to say something that will make a difference, when really--they just dont know what to say--at all. You already know there isn't anything they can say that is going to make you feel better (James 1). (read Isa. 54:4 now) THE TEN STAGES OF GRIEF Grieving a Broken Marriage The grief process must be pursued within the heart and cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time; even a year or more. Here is where a great many get caught on the rebound. They look for someone or something to silence that pain. This always ends up in disaster. Jumping into another relationship only hides the grief for a little while. It will surface again and must be dealt with, sooner or later. Second marriages are destroyed by this process. One or both parties have not permitted the grieving process to run its course. This may be the worse pain you have ever had to endure. The death of a relationship (divorce) has been found to be the most stressful and painful experience known. It is not an actual death, where one can finalize the grieving process and they never see the person again. The death of a relationship is as painful as loosing a loved one except they are still around as a reminder, and fuel negative emotions like bitterness, Unforgiveness, fear, hate and so on. Naturally this knowledge will not lessen the pain, or minimize your grief. What it does do is assist you in giving yourself up to it, giving you courage in knowing it will one day be over with. Giving yourself up to it is the only way to start the healing and obtaining a complete healing. This is where Jesus comes in. God will walk you through this extremely painful and trying ordeal in grace and love. He gives a peace that goes beyond anything you can imagine. Going through this process is a given; you need to in order to save your sanity. Responding favorably will cause you to grow stronger and more alive than ever. Either way you will be a new person. Positive or negative is up to you. I. Shock Some never go through a prolonged stage of shock and are able to express their emotions immediately. Others will say, "I feel numb" without any real emotional expression. This could be a type of denial and is very destructive. Eventually it comes out one way or another, positive or negative. Children will bury there shock, because they do not want to believe the two people they love and trust the most, hate one another. It can come out in the form of bedwetting; silence; diminished appetite; withdrawal; or sleeplessness. II. Emotional Release This is where a person begins to feel and hurt. Many people start here. Grieving in tears is good; possibly the greatest relief, because tears wash the heart. If a person, particularly a child, isnt able to express these emotions, they will manifest in another way, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, many partners blame the emotional pain children feel on the other partner, which only builds more unhealthy feelings in the children. The children know better and it will backfire one day. Some need to be induced to cry or express themselves. This is particularly true with men and male children. If this is not expressed in a controlled way, later on in life it might be expressed in an uncontrolled way, causing everyone around them to experience their grief inappropriately. Generally the parent theyre with is blamed for the pain, because they are viewed as the one that would not allow them to grieve. Here we can see how years later another relationship is destroyed. In our culture men are not allowed to cry, but it should be encouraged! Harboring Unforgiveness magnifies everything and delays the recovery process. It numbs the guilt and makes sinning easier, and it fosters bitterness, disabling a person to maintain other relationships. III. Preoccupation With The Ex-Partner Try as you might, you may find yourself obsessively preoccupied; unable to shift your thoughts. This could be very damaging at times and can cause deep wounds that take forever to heal. It can even destroy future relationships. Some people feel married for long periods of time after the divorce, which is normal, because they have bonded. Most even feel an elevated love for the ex-spouse. Forgiveness is the key. What you do with those feelings will determine the kind of person you become. It will contribute in determining what kind of people your children will become. Some will say, I dont love, or, I cannot love, when really, theyve just never forgiven. IV. Some Symptoms of Physical and Emotional Distress These symptoms or distresses may come in many forms; in waves, lasting anywhere from several minutes to even an hour or so. though most common are: Sleeplessness Tightness in the throat. Choking, with shortness of breath. A need for sighing Empty hollow feeling in the stomach. Lack of muscle control (bedwetting) Digestive disorders Lack of appetite Uncontrolled eating. Hyperactivity Note: Watch for these symptoms in children and see if they last longer than a few hours. Associated with the physical distress may be certain emotional anxieties. The most common are: Slight sense of unreality. Feelings of emotional distance from people (no one cares) Feeling shadowy or very small Panic Self Destruction A desire to run away Feelings like this can cause you to think youre losing your sanity, or approaching insanity, but they are all normal. Its how you deal with them that counts. Children experience the same feelings that adults do; watch them, especially teenagers. It isnt uncommon for children to attempt suicide. Be very careful not to contribute to their justification for such a thing. V. Hostility These feeling are surprising and inexplicable. They can make you feel like youre going insane. Anger may be directed towards the other partner; their lover; the children; family; even God, but this is very normal. Understand that the other partner is going to go through this, as well as the children. It must be expressed. If your children are afraid of expressing anger, even towards the new partner, then they will lock up emotionally and it will come out in other areas of their lives later on; possibly in their own marriages. Is this what you want for your children? VI. Guilt There is always some sense of guilt in this process; always thoughts of, could I have done something different?, or, its all their fault. Its tempting to relieve the guilt by converting it to blame, but remember: two people cannot live together without some hurt being done. During the process, these things will magnify. Feeling guilty is normal, but converting it to blame is disastrous. It halts the healing process and fosters Unforgiveness. VII Depression Many feel total despair; unbearable loneliness; hopelessness; detachment. Nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings are far more intense for those who live alone or have very little family support. A good support system is extremely important (support groups, church, clubs, etc.). This type of depression seems awful, but is actually a part of the healing, and will do a wondrous work within you. VIII. Withdrawal Some withdraw from social activities and relationships. Daily routines are severely disrupted. This is normal but not healthy. It becomes a place to hide; a fortress of solitude. Once the walls are up theyre very difficult to penetrate. Most need a lot of encouragement to leave there solitude. IX. The Light At the End of the Tunnel Time and the Holy Spirit will finally produce a better situation. Suddenly there is light. The dark cloud of gloom dissipates; life comes back into focus, and you begin to move forward. This only happens if you have been honest with yourself; only if youve resisted the temptation to take a big mental, emotional, or spiritual step backwards. X. Times of Readjustment There will be moments and seasons where you will feel a touch of the grief again. I call this a wave. This is very normal and will diminish as time passes. It is important to express your feelings. To get to the last two stages, you must experience the first eight, but people try to avoid the extreme pain of the grieving process and inflict permanent deep wounds that may never heal. They come out later in the form of bitterness; Unforgiveness, and hate for the ex-partner. These very same effects manifest in the children. In turn, bitterness; Unforgiveness and hate become a part of their character. This is very unfortunate. They learn to hate and run instead of to love and forgive. In walking through this process, you will emerge a better person. Allow it to complete its work and you and your children will grow in leaps and bounds. Jesus will be there with you, if you allow Him. His love and grace will cover you like a warm blanket. ABOUT DIVORCE God hates divorce. For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers ones garment with violence. says the LORD of hosts. Therefore take heed in your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously. Mal. 2:16 Translated it reads: "For the LORD God of Israel says that He [is an enemy or foe to] divorce [or separation], for it covers one's [partner] with [bad, evil, depraved thoughts or actions]," says the LORD of hosts. Therefore [preserve, hedge about and regard] your spirit, that you do not deal [faithlessly, covertly, deceitfully]." "For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce [or separation], ...." Now this is a very powerful statement. It is clear what God thinks of divorce. It also checks you as to where you are with God. We are to love and serve God with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind, and with all our strength. This is the first commandment (Mark 12:30). Regarding No Fault Divorce; is the ultimate act of rebellion towards Gods statutes and will in a persons life. It is a public admission that you do not believe Gods Word is true. Divorce is Satans highest priority, as marriage and family is Gods highest institution. Rebellion is considered and translated as witchcraft. When you are tempted by the thought of divorce or separation you need to cast it down (2 Cor. 10:5). Americans have become soft, unwilling to stick to anything. They take the direction of least resistance, wanting a quick fix easy way out. If it is a mental, emotional or spiritual struggle they run and quote Satans lie, "If it feels good do it. If not, don't do it". Or a favorite cop out used by most, "I can do what I want. God will forgive me". The church has turned God into a Sugar Daddy. Marriage and having a family is a daily struggle. It is often painful and just plain hard work; a battle that at times turns into a flat out war with the devil. He has us fighting one another (husband; wife; children; in-laws), when it is Satan, the Liar, that we should be fighting (Eph. 6:12). Example: I grew up hard. My father was a criminal and spent most of my childhood years in prison, loaded on drugs or drinking. He eventually died an alcoholic/drug addict. My mother, for nearly forty years refused to divorce him. By making her stand she preserved her children's heritage. She spent countless hours in prayer for us and made sure we were in church every time the doors were open. Her reward in heaven will be one of great honor. She was not happy the entire time. She suffered like no woman should ever have to. Her pains of loneliness, rejection and betrayal were beyond description. She was told she was crazy for not divorcing him and finding peace with another man, but she held true to the Word of God, sacrificing her life to preserve the integrity of Gods Word. Her children will never forget and neither will anyone else. She will be seated with the great women of the Bible one day; Ester; Ruth, and Mary the mother of Jesus. Though her rewards here on earth were few her rewards in heaven are uncountable. I love my mother for what she did for me. She secured a place for me and my five brothers and sisters. God will honor each sacrifice she has made. In my mind there is no greater woman. Yes, she suffered and people thought she was crazy, but she endured to the end. Mom even loved and cared for dad when he was sick. She comforted him even after he committed adultery. My mother prayed for my father every day and set the example for generations to follow. There are so many false teachings and doctrines out there it has completely confused this issue. I have met pastors that were not clear on the subject. They have been lured by the constant changing world standards regarding divorce. There are so many divorced and remarried couples in the church today that most leaders avoid this subject altogether. This is what "Divorce Warriors" is all about. We are here to fight for Gods most valued institution, "The Family". We lift up and support those making the ultimate sacrifices and educate those thinking about divorce. We are here to stand in the gap and agree with anyone wanting to hold the family together. We aggressively seek the reconciliation of families. We do not believe in finding the "exception" rules, because when you look at the character of God and what Jesus did on the cross, there is no valid reason for destroying a family. But this by no means, means that there will not be divorces or that in extreme cases divorce is not warranted. I think that God even rescues some of his little ones through divorce. I by no means put God in a box. God has given us everything we need to fight and restore families. It is all found in His Word: Jesus. ABOUT REMARRIAGE Greener Pastures (Matt. 19:6) Consequences for Remarriage: I use the word, consequence, because God never intended for anyone to marry more than once, unless there is a death. The remarriage is usually based on filling a spot in ones life that the person refused to give to God (loneliness; sex; security; trust; finances; status; material possessions). The new marriage comes with high expectations by both parties that can never be lived up to. Once divorce has occurred, it becomes one of the options for solution to their problems. They did it before. Statistic reflect that they will do it again. Baggage When you remarry you will bring excess baggage from one marriage to the next. This is unavoidable. There are not just two people involved. There are three; four. Maybe more. You are marrying their ex-partners and relationships, and they are marrying yours as well. It is rare for a couple to successfully work through this baggage and obtain true peace in their new relationship (unless they have been responsible adults and re-educated themselves). This is a consequence for remarriage. It makes the new relationship three, four and maybe six times as hard as the first, because now you are dealing with--more people. You may also be facing stepchildren that want their parents back together. They can make life very hard on you. Statistics say that failed second marriages are often due to the stepchild. There are things that happened in the previous relationships that were never dealt with and will surface in the new relationship. Things that you never knew were there. But then after entering into a marriage your new partner unwittingly hits these trigger spots, and, bingo. You have the feelings that go with them. You could have things like mistrust; unfaithfulness; fear; terror and a multitude of things aimed and triggered towards your innocent new partner, which in turn triggers their old feelings and memories. Your only hope is to be responsible with those triggered feelings. Recognize them and deal with them. I found a good statement that works very well, " I am sorry, you triggered something from my past... please forgive me and help me." This sometimes happens in first-time marriages when there has been resentment toward a parent. "Just like Dad" or "just like Mom" This can also happen if there is any history of sexual abuse for either partner. There can be feelings triggered that they didnt even know existed. Anger is the most common, as well as depression. In a second marriage, he or she will resent you, the new partner, on the grounds that the old partner did it or said it. You are dealing with more than one person and it can get extremely complicated; even moreso if children are involved. The troubles are endless. If remarriage is what you desire then get ready for three times the trouble you had in the first marriage. If you have rejected the discipline of your first marriage, God will raise up another lesson, involving more people and bigger problems. Guidelines for Remarriage If you want to remarry, even your former spouse, follow the guidelines below. 1. Sit down and outline your life. Write a life story about yourself. 2. See a qualified counselor or minister and ask them if they feel you are ready. 3. If you cannot be honest then you are not anywhere close to being ready to remarry. Any attempt will be met with disaster, even with your former partner. a. You do not show this history to anyone but God or your counselor List fears; hurts; abuse; feelings; failures; achievements, and put them on a time line. This will expose things you have not dealt with in your past. You may be amazed at what you find. This is not something that can be done in an hour. Write what you remember then go back over it every day for ten consecutive days. One woman that did this realized it wasn't her husband she was angry with. She had harbored deep Unforgiveness toward her father, and had been taking it out on her husband. Not at first, but after her husband reached an age close to her fathers at the time of the memory. Be careful not to cop a victims attitude. This is very destructive. You may be living in a victims mentality. Doing this should expose these things. Unforgiveness always results in selfishness which is the number one root cause for divorce. Unforgiveness also comes with a consequence. "Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?'" And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses." (Matt 18:33-35) If you think this will not happen, you have another thing coming; not to mention emotional heartache. If you must remarry, to keep from doing immoral things or to keep from walking away from God to satisfy your burning, then consider the consequences and be very sure you can not return to your mate. Because the remarriage will be more difficult than you think. (1 Cor. 7:10-11) If there be any way possible, stay with your partner, or give it some time and STAND for your marriage. Nothing is impossible for God. NOTHING. But make it clear to yourself you are giving it time. Dig your heals in and fight for your partner, spiritually (see Knowing Your Enemy). Greener Pastures: The Knight in Shining Armor Unfortunately many are thinking about remarriage before they ever leave or consider divorce. I call this the "The Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. The Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome or even called the "Barbie Doll" Syndrome is when a partner imagines or fantasizes about someone else as a partner. This is usually sexual in nature, but not always. I have found that a lot of ladies that divorce already have a new home and family already... in there minds and imaginations. Sometimes it isnt a real person theyre fantasizing about, but a character in a novel or an actor on television. This is called a mental affair. Jesus warned against it. "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matt 5:28) This kind of an affair is worse that the act. You cant just run away from it. Impossible expectations can form that your mate cannot fulfill. The emotions split and the commitment becomes as real as television. Example (names are changed): Tom was already considering remarriage before he had even considered leaving his wife, which left a door wide open to the enemy. Satan only had to maneuver a woman into Toms life in order to give him a nudge. He sent someone else that treated him well; with respect. Now the enemy pushes his partners buttons a few times to get her going, and it isn't long before Tom is thinking about leaving this woman he loves. But then he must convince himself that he does not love her. He might succeed for a few months, but it never lasts, and the guilt and pride prevent him from reversing his decision. We see here, how just a thought turned into the destruction of a marriage. How did it happen? Was Tom's wife at fault for being insensitive and liberated? Was it Tom's fault for entertaining these thoughts? Actually it was witchcraft. Oh my! you say. How on earth did you get witchcraft out of that? Witchcraft is rebellion against Gods Word. Both Tom and his wife were rebelling to each others authority by being selfish. By being selfish they rebelled against God. Example (names are changed): Teri insisted she was not leaving her husband for another man, but I have come to find out that women are leaving their husbands for a man that does even exist--anywhere! Only on television; in romance novels; in gossip, and their imaginations. Are You already remarried ? So you remarried. You found love again and I hope this material helps to strengthen your marriage. Now is a good time to use what you have learned to help others. Turn it into a positive ministry. IMPORTANT: 1. Do Not justify your "divorce and remarriage" - Do not become a stumbling block to others - Do not make it seem like it is the thing to do 2. Do not blame your ex-partner - The Unforgiveness will poison this marriage and you could cause you partner to sin 3. Do not even speak negative about your ex-partner - This is part of the renewing of your mind process If youve left your previous partner for another, you have a big problem. Not--an unforgivable one but one where you will reap what you sow. WHAT CAN HAPPEN IF YOU INITIATE THE DIVORCE The Consequences If you are a Christian and do not believe there are severe consequences for divorcing your partner unrightfully, then you need to do a little more research into the issue. The responsibility to forgive outweighs the right to divorce. Among the things people have experienced are: 1. The finances fell to pieces. Nothing they tried worked, and most lost their jobs. 2. Friends left them. Suddenly they lost favor with everyone. They were friendless and alone. 3. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning in guilt or Unforgiveness; daydreaming of revenge. It wasnt like they thought it was going to be. They compared their new friend to their partner, and realized that their fantasies were Satanic. Bitterness nearly ate them alive, but pride prevented them from reconciling. Some started drinking to cover the guilt. Nearly all admitted to going to a bar at least once to try and cover the pain, guilt and loneliness for what they had done. Christians wouldnt have a lot to do with them. God WILL isolate a person sometimes and let loneliness itself bring them to repentance. 4. Loss of health All said their health plummeted. Old injuries got worse and back problems developed. 5. Loss of looks They admitted to looking older. 6. Loss of trust by men and women. Christians didnt trust them, so dating was short. 7. Loss of children All said they missed their children and this caused extreme heartache. Some completely lost the respect of their children. All had to earn it all over again. 8. Depression A few experienced depression but the ones that did said it was an instrument to get them back to God. The following is a few questions asked of people who had either returned to there partners or had returned to fellowship with God. What made you decide to leave your partner? Dreams of greener pastures, Unable to accept responsibility; they would be better off without me First marriage hurts not healed the number one reason: money. Most figured they would have more if they started over. What made you think it was Gods will to leave your partner? Amazingly enough, few even thought about that. They were acting out a fantasy or looking for greener pastures, otherwise running from responsibility or too overcome by lust to think. They had lusted after someone else or the things of the world. Did you realize that by divorcing your partner,"unrightfully," it was the ultimate act of rebellion towards God? No. None had realized this at the time, but admitted it was true. They realized they were being selfish with their lives when their lives didn't even belong to them. Did you realize that by filing for a divorce,"unrightfully," it was a public admission that Gods word was not true, thus committing the ultimate form of blaspheming Gods Word ? No. None had realized this at the time, but realized it later. The classic example was a woman that tried to win her sister to the Lord. Her sister said that she didn't want a God that allowed a woman to abandon her values for selfish reasons. She could better on her own. Why didn't you realize so many important things when you were making such an important decision? Fear Anger Selfishness Lust running out of control Out of fellowship with God A determination to not forgive. Guilt Pride Note: They, the violators, all admitted to listening to strange and selfish reasoning. They also said that television; romance novels, and third parties had a huge impact on how they viewed their relationships. All brought up the submission issue, but few had known its true meaning when they left. Biblical Statements and Resources 1. They will cause their partner to commit adultery (Matthew 5:32) 2. They fail to be a person of their word.(Matt.12:37) 3. They destroy the marriage testimony (Eph. 5:22-32) 4. They dishonor their parents (Matt. 15:4) 5. They disqualify themselves from church leadership (1 Tim. 3:5) 6. They plant seeds of bitterness 7. They plant seeds of Unforgiveness (Matt 18:34) 8. They deny their children training (Prov. 22:6) 9. They set themselves up for all sorts of temptations (1 Cor.7:2) 10. They remove Gods grace from their life (read Mal. 2) THE LOVING LEADER 1 Cor. 13:13 While researching this I was horrified at how I was not a "Loving Leader". In fact, I leaned harder toward the "Domineering Leader". I was absolutely shocked at what I had become without realizing it. Love was not the dominant trait in my life. Fear was. How did this happen? Has it happened to you? Without love as the dominant character trait within us we run all sorts of risks. Satan can easily deceive us and open doors in our lives without us even realizing it. Without love, we cannot operate in the spirit like we should. Without love, effective faith is nearly impossible. Without love, our relationship with our family hinges on emotional feelings. not the love of God. Satan loves to play with feelings and the imagination. He has attacked the home and has been very successful with wooing and laying waste to our women. All he has to do is associate something with a feeling. If we as men are not grounded in love, Satan can and will snatch our families away from us. A loving leader is not a wee-nee. He is a man of faith and power. He stands at his door with his sword drawn, keeping watch over his family. He knows how to enter a realm of battle that only the strong can survive in, because he knows who he is in Christ (the anointing) and knows that nothing can harm him or his family. He is willing to sacrifice himself for them. He bares their pain and sorrows. He cries with them and shares their tears. He operates in strict discipline of himself, and with compassion toward his wife, children and anyone he comes in contact with. His passion is the Word of God and without prayer, he couldn't breath. He puts on his armor every morning and readies himself for battle (Eph 6:11). He watches and is prepared at all times. How can a mortal man be like this? He can't, without Jesus as his Lord; Gods grace and love (Matt 22:37-39). A loving leader is committed to love. He knows his responsibilities when it comes to love; he gives and never expects to receive. His joy is serving his family. His pleasures come from seeing the seeds he plants, grow within his wife and children (Eph.5:28-37). A loving leader is a warrior. Filled with passion and compassion. He is the King; Priest, and Prophet of his home; responsible for serving, ministering and being the voice of God in his home. In this chapter we will learn how to become a Loving Warrior Leader and not a Domineering Leader as the world does. This domineering, controlling trait has caused too many divorces and destroyed many families. The domineering leader is a selfish leader who thinks only of himself and his own interests. What Is Love? (1 Cor. 13: 3-8) Without the actions of love, you have nothing. Love.. Suffers long Is kind Rejoices in the truth Bears all things Believes all things Hopes all things Endures all things Love never fails (never gives up) Youve probably heard and read these scriptures preached a thousand times, yet, if you are like me, you didnt catch on to what it is saying. Take a good look at the above and you will see that not one of them is a feeling. They all require a decision and a commitment. The commitment you made when you made that covenant between you, God and your wife. This was a covenant vow before God and He does not take kindly to those who break covenants with Him (Mal. 2). When God says He loves you, His is saying, I will to love you; I have chosen to love you. I am committed to showing you My love. His covenant of love for us is found in Jesus. Jesus is love in its purest form. He proved this by going to the cross and suffering; sacrificing and saving us, yet we as leaders find it difficult to do the house work once in a while. Jesus is on His knees everyday as our advocate before the Father. We should be on our knees everyday as advocate for our families--especially our wives. Love Is Not: Love is not in the remotest sense of the word, a feeling. You get a good feeling when you put love into action, but love is not a feeling or an emotion. The feelings and emotions come and go. Gods Word is here to stay. It takes a commitment to stand in your covenant with your partner. If you cannot stand in your marriage when things get tough, you will never stand for God when things get tough. One day someone might hold a gun to your child's head and say, "deny your Christianity or your child dies." Could you maintain your relationship with God if you were watching your child starve to death? It just might come to that one day. When you start putting things before Jesus, the Word and love, you end up with something creepy. It summons every devil in hell. It smells like, tastes like, looks like and feels like--hell. It creeps into your home and into your loved ones. It is a form of knowledge and religion but Jesus is not a part of it. When it enters your home it brings friends like Humanism--Materialism--New Age--Feminism. It has no mercy and is very patient. It may take days or years but its ultimate goal is to take complete control. So how do you check to see if it has made it's way into your home? God gave us the answer in 1 Cor.. 13. Love Does Not: -- envy -- parade itself -- is not puffed up -- behave rudely -- seek its own way -- provoke -- think evil -- rejoice in iniquity Do you see any of this in your home? It is the fruit of the thing that has entered through a door left open. It creeps around and slowly slips into the hearts of everyone in the home. Its evil is not even noticed until there is a death. Its darkness represents the heart of Satan, which grows and produces offspring. It strikes terror in the heart and causes sleepless nights, dividing and crushing the strongest foundations. Its offspring will have names like but I have the right to...; I; Me; and You; Her: Him: and Them. There are many variations it might use in your home. The most destructive are the silent ones. What is its name? Selfishness; Self-seeking; Egotism; Vanity; Vainglory. There is no unity in selfishness. It is the destroyer of families; the antithesis of love. Read the above points again and add Selfishness is to each of them. The cults teach selfishness: Humanism--Materialism--New Age--Feminism. They teach that you are god. They teach and give birth to these things in our schools; on television and in some of our churches. "It smells like; tastes like; looks like; sounds like and feels like hell. It represents the very heart of Satan, and creeps into your home and into your loved ones. It is a form of knowledge and religion but Jesus is not a part of it." Now What Do You Do? I cannot express how very important it is right now to change the way you talk (Matt. 15:11). I found that one of the best ways was to turn away from the television and to the Psalms. Television introduces a vocabulary to those who watch it. Have you ever noticed when you spend time with someone with an accent, how you start talking like or using phrases you never did before? Where did your vocabulary come from? Your attitude and what you say or how you say it will determine the mood in your home (Matt. 15:18). Things are going to make their way in, but they hold no power until you speak them. Are you speaking selfishness? Are any of its fruits in your home? By speaking selfishness you are planting seeds of every sort into your family and loved ones. You may not even notice it, but when your family walks out that door you will remember every I; me; you; they; those men; those women; that man; that woman; etc. How do we love our families? Love is an action word, so to love is to do something. So what have you done today, to love your partner? List six things you did to love your partner today (at least one) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Did you get up this morning and pray for them? Husband did you use that leadership anointing God gave you to lay hands on your wife and bless her? You have that anointing you know. You have that authority to bless or destroy. It comes from your mouth through the laying on of hands. Wife did you use that calm gentle voice to set the atmosphere in your home? To destroy comes from your mouth without laying on of hands. Blessing your family in this manner is found throughout the bible. ...and I have blessed him-and indeed he shall be blessed." (Gen. 27:33) You will find your attitude toward your partner will change quickly when you do this. It is amazing the effect it will have on them, though you may not see it right away. At first your partner is going to wonder what you are up to, but they will look for it every morning. Wife, you set the atmosphere in your home. What kind of atmosphere did you create for your family today? Are you taking your partner and/or relationship with them for granted? Check yourself out well, because if you are, in the slightest, they will know it and you will have planted a seed of rebellion in them. It starts with resentment. Never ever take your wife for granted. She is a very special part of you. Spiritually she is like radar. God has given you an early warning system. If there is something wrong, she will know it, but she must be comfortable in saying so. Never take the things she does or sacrifices for granted, because you will see how important she was to your life when she is gone. If you abuse this love she extends to you, you will loose her all together. It Is happening twenty times a day to leaders and clergy. Do not think it couldn't happen to you. Show some appreciation everyday, even if it is only a kiss and a thank you. Kick her out of the kitchen once in awhile and send her to the movies. Take her out on a date where you open every door and order her meal. Dress up for her. In my research I asked a question on a poll I did on the internet. I asked, "If there was something your husband could do physically, to make a big difference in your marriage, not including sex, what would that one thing be?" Out of 300, 240 said, Turn off the television and come to bed with me. Boy, I have been guilty of this myself, but until recently I never really understood what the big deal was. The poll just confirmed it. This is something very important to the women. We need to do something about it. Satan uses the television in many ways to distract us from our responsibilities and to conform us to worldly standards. A good part of those women responding were not even saved, so this is something important to all women: VERY important. Out of the 240, 170 said that even if their husbands just laid there until they fell asleep, it would be nice. My wife said the same thing. It wasnt that long till I was sleeping alone. A womans security comes in knowing that her husband is Godly. How does she know you are Godly? Are you getting up and taking your family to church? How does she see you? Does she see you reading the paper, or Gods Word? Does she see you worry, or praying and trusting God? Does she see you--at all, or are you putting your friends before family? Does she see you buying sports equipment, or tithing and giving offerings? How do your wife and children see you? How secure is she in your opinion when you say, I believe God is saying... Honesty plays a big part in this one. Do NOT ever try to use God to manipulate your partner. You will pay for it dearly, not just from her but from God as well. If you dont know then, say so. Dont make something up, trying to look spiritual. There are so many areas and so many different things you could do. But if you start here the rest will come. Buckets of Love Love In The Relationship Love in a relationship, such as marriage, comes in two levels; the covenant love, and the romantic love. Covenant Love Covenant love is the commitment level you established when you stood before God and made those vows to your partner and to God. The commitment is based on a responsible decision and commitment to endure until death do you part. Romantic Love Romantic love is the emotional ties established during and after courtship; the feelings. I have found it a lot easier to understand this by thinking of the heart as a bucket, with little holes in it. Love is like a fine oil being deposited by either the man or the woman. During courtship both are producing this oil by the gallons and depositing it in the other persons bucket. This is a time when so much love is produced and given that both buckets are filled to overflowing. The buckets now contain enough love to last through the honeymoon season. The buckets start running empty as the actions of love; the roses; the little love notes; special meals; back rubs and so on, grow less frequent. The buckets are not filled as regularly anymore or filled all the way. At times the bottom of the buckets are hardly covered. There is one other problem here I didnt mention. The mans bucket is slightly larger than the woman's and can go longer without being replenished. So, when she is in need of love, he is wondering why. He feels just fine. She sees the relationship in trouble and he sees nothing wrong. The romantic side of the relationship is 85% sexual with a man, so when the couple comes together sexually, his bucket is getting oil. But a woman's romantic side is only 25% sexual, so her bucket isn't getting replenished like his is. Also, a womans bucket is not only slightly smaller but it has a few more holes in it. Unlike a man, who tends to slowly let his love run out over the entire home pretty evenly, a woman needs that extra flow for the children; the pets; the in-laws; herself and her home. A woman's love is seen in her home and her relationships that are attached to the home. In the beginning, all her oil (love) is channeled toward her man, but as the home grows, the demands on her love increases, so now, that little bit that just covers the bottom is no longer enough. If her man; her source; is not producing the needed amount of oil to handle the increased demand, her love runs dry. She will begin to demand love actions in order to replenish those needed feelings; her driving force. If her man does not respond, she begins looking for another place to replenish her bucket. This is a natural drive she will have. It is her covenant love that keeps her from latching on to another man, right away,. But the covenant love does not have the same sustaining power it does for her logic feed man. She is a creature of feelings and needs those feeling replenished, everyday. If they are not sustained or replenished she will then try to replenish her bucket with something else that will produce feelings. She will sometimes find these feelings in romance novels, fantasy, or daytime television. The problem with this is, the stimulant she is now using to sustain her bucket is like water. It begins to rust the holes shut, and now she needs something a little more caustic to free her feelings. She has got to keep those feelings flowing. The caustic things that re-open her feelings can be in the form of pornography; a mental affair or anything that will generate strong feelings. When these generic stimulants are no longer enough she tends to start leaning toward any feeling produced. This is that inexplicable anger or fear that engulfs her and makes her feel as though she is loosing her mind. If caught in time, the man can start adding the oil again; but he needs to be patient. Oil floats on water and until the water starts to run out, he wont see the effects of the love he has poured into her. Sometimes there is a hurt that was inflicted by one or the other partner; maybe one says something--terribly hurtful. This acts like a lid on the bucket, making it impossible for the other partner to receive their love. The only thing that can remove this lid is a repentant heart and forgiveness. If he forgives and she is not really repentant, the lid will remain. If she repents and he will not forgive, the lid remains. They can both end up with lids before this is over. At this point the relationship is sustained through covenant love. Most often, this is enough. Their commitment to the relationship can produce enough love to effect the forgiveness needed on both sides, to remove those lids. Only God can repair the damage done by lack of oil in those buckets. His oil can replenish both parties and give them a brand new beginning. Understand that this situation can go either way. I modeled the woman as the victim here because I am the one that is writing this book and that is the way I did it. I am by no means implying that this is how it always happens. Compassionate Listening Compassionate listening is very important. You will find it very difficult to understand the needs of your wife without this ability. Unfortunately I learned too late, but it may not be too late for you. Have you lost the ability to show compassion? It is indispensable when it comes to listening. Compassion genuinely hears what the other person is saying. Men tend to turn off this element in times of stress or trials. We need to turn it on and leave it on. If your partner is not seeing your compassion, you run the risk, as I did, of turning off their compassion. Without the compassion; passion dies. When you have compassion and passion in a relationship, it can handle anything. Jerry called me one night, distraught. The voice mail message said that his family was in need of counseling due to infidelity. I figured I was going to get an enraged spouse when I returned his call, but to my surprise, Jerry was not at all concerned about what his wife had done. He was more concerned about her needs and feelings. The news was of course, devastating, but he felt it was more important to see to her needs first. He just kept saying that she must be going through hell after what she had done and felt a third party was needed to help explain that she was still loved and forgiven; that what she did was wrong, but God will forgive her. This man had a deep abiding compassion for his wife. Real compassion puts the other party in the relationship first. This man showed a rare level of love. He put his hurt aside to minister to hers. When I asked him about that, he said it never crossed his mind that he was the victim. In fact, he saw his wife as the victim. Compassion held their love even through something as devastating as adultery. The trust was damaged, but not the compassion. This was demonstrated when Jerry called for help, not for himself, but for his wife. Jerry knew what she needed, but knew he couldn't supply that need in the heat of the moment without support. Selfishness can not live in compassion. You generate compassion by shutting your mouth and listening; by sticking your heart out there and yes, possibly getting hurt. You may not like what you are hearing, but compassion sets that aside and concerns itself with what the other is feeling, not with who is right. Compassion desires to know and understand how they feel. Feeling compassionate for someone or their circumstances doesnt mean you agree with them. It is an effort to listen; to try and feel for them, realizing that they are hurt or confused and that even if they are wrong in what is causing those feelings, the feelings, nevertheless, exist. If compassion becomes the way you deal with others you will have a major jump in establishing the heart of Christ in your life. Others will be more patient and compassionate with you and the passion will return to your home. I use my own life and feelings most of the time to help others avoid the same heartache I endured when I found myself standing alone in that doorway. I never want anyone to experience the agony I had to endure. With compassion absent from my life it was as if my wife was speaking a language from another country. I couldn't understand a word she said, so I never really did know her well enough to meet the needs I was responsible for as her husband. I always tried to fix her when all that was needed, was a compassionate listener. How do we love our children? One of the most important things you can give your child is you. Stop what you are doing and look at them when they speak to you. Let them know that what they are saying is important. Make time for children. This is very important. I was going to get into stories and all sorts of things like that, but if you are doing the above it will have a major impact. You will become the most important person in their lives. Go in to their rooms and lay a hand on them; pray a blessing on them every morning or evening. They will love it and look forward to it. So will you. Things you never do: 1. Never lie to your children. If it is something they should not know, then say so. 2 Never discipline in anger. That isnt discipline. Its a beating, whether physical or mental. 3. Never take someone elses side in front of them. 4. NEVER say you are worthless or anything like it. 5. Never speak ill about their other parent to them--EVER. You will reap what you sew. Dont even mutter sarcastic remarks under your breath. MARITAL COMMITMENT Co-written by: Pastors Gary P. Ewert and Gregory H. Ewert Unfortunately, in these last days, hearts are hardened and Gods own people tend to worship their own selfishness, accepting the worlds standards regarding marriage and divorce. This makes a divorce within the Christian couples life a reality. With some, it is just going to happen Very little that can be done once someone has decided that this is what they want. Why? Because of the self-deception and hardening of the heart. A lot of the church has adopted worldly standards in regards to expectations in the marriage. With worldly standards mixed in with the Word of God it causes great confusion within the church. As any true believer knows, the worldly standards and doctrines will not mix with Biblical standards and doctrines. It has to be one way or the other. Divorce Warriors works to not only educate the individual believer, but also strives to educate the church. The needs of the individual going through separation and divorce go way beyond those worldly needs for material possessions and worldly security. Those finding themselves in this process of divorce find themselves alone in a world and a Church that has adopted the worldly self-serving standards. This leaves you vulnerable to the sinking world standards and Satan's ultimate plan to destroy the church through the destruction of the family. The foundation and strength of the church comes from the healthy family that worships and serves Jesus Christ, so by splitting the family, Satan is dividing the church. You can see how Satan loves the abortion issue. He just loves to kill babies and has made it legal in most of the world. The believer would never consider abortion or condone it, so Satan created an alternative way to destroy Christian children: divorce. Divorce is family abortion, and is excepted or tolerated by most of the modern day church. Now this could not just happen on its own. The prosperity message, in its perverted form, had a lot to do with this problem we have today. It is not solely responsible, but it has played a big part in the character of the modern day marriage. The love of money and materialism distracts the believer from moral and spiritual responsibilities regarding the family; yet at the same time a longing for these moral and spiritual values are present. Here again we see how Godly principles and worldly standards are attempting to mix. We all know that it is like mixing water and oil; it cant happen. If you shake the water and oil long enough and hard enough it will appear to mix, but set it alone for just a moment and they separate. So, a constant shaking must take place, causing confusion, deception and a slipping away from Godly morals and principles. Regarding marriage and divorce in this day and age, the equation has been going something like this: Marriage 1.5 years: Expectations + Discontent = Demands 3 years: Demands + Expectations = Demanding Expectations 4.5 years: Demanding Expectations + Discontent = Conditions 6 years: Conditions + Demanding Expectations = Demanding Conditions 7.5 years: Demanding Conditions + Discontent = Selfishness 9 years: Selfishness + Discontent = Expectations Divorce This equation is formulated according to the average Christian marriage only lasting and only expected to last an average of 9 years, in a lot of circles, but more and more are getting through this process faster all the time. Marriage and even marriage enhancement classes are filled with expectations. Love and commitment within and to the marriage are based on these expectations. When these expectations are not met, they become demands. The demands attach themselves to the expectations. When demanding expectations are combined with the existing discontent, you get--conditions. Love and commitment in the relationship becomes conditional based on demanding expectations. Then, when you combine demanding conditions with even the slightest hint of discontent, you end up with--selfishness. This brings it full circle, since there can be no expectations without selfishness. The Self Serving Attitude Selfishness produces the fruits of anger, fear, discontentment, Unforgiveness and loneliness. Selfishness requires justification and finds it in the expectations. The predominant emotional fruits of selfishness are anger and fear. Selfishness, like love, is an action word, and cannot stand alone. It always produces an action. Without the actions produced by anger and fear, it will die. The two statements I hear from people who are discontent are: 1. I have this inexplicable anger. 2. I have this inexplicable fear. These two emotions tear apart families and pervert family loyalties. They also destroy any relationship including our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Once expectations are modified or done away with, true love moves right in. With this comes peace and contentment. No matter what the circumstances, without expectations, peace and love rule the home and relationships. Expectations are replaced with faith. Now lets look at the equation in this light: Love + Faith = Hope Faith + Hope = Peace Peace + Commitment = Love Love + Commitment = Jesus Once again we have come full circle, because Jesus is love in its purest form. Love is the unconditional will to obey Gods will. This is what it means when the Bible says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Woman, what will you build with? You are the builder you know (Prov. 31). Man, what will your family build with? What they build with is in you, the man. You are the foundation. The foundation is built upon the Rock. Woman, even if he is a terrible foundation you are the builder. Place your unsaved foundation upon the Rock. Man, what have you given her to build with ? Commitment The high cost of broken commitments, or vows, in marriage today serve to show us that God views the marriage commitment with high regard. The family and marriage is Gods highest and most holy institution . In Malachi 2:13-16, God expresses His feelings regarding broken marriage vows and divorce. Jesus repeats this in Matthew 5:31-37 in His most documented and important sermon, The Sermon on the Mount. Here we see his feelings regarding divorce and his feelings regarding vows, or oaths. He warns us about making oaths unto God or the throne room. Breaking these vows comes with high costs that will last a lifetime. Television and romance novels make divorce romantic and exciting, but in a Christians life it is anything--but! The following are a number of reasons people site for divorcing: 1. I didnt love them anymore 2. We grew apart 3. They no longer met my emotional needs 4. My partner didn't meet my sexual needs 5. They were more interested in their hobbies or work than me 6. We couldn't agree on anything 7. I do not think I ever really loved them 8. We were to young when we married 9. I only got married to get out of the house and away from my parents 10. Nothing is ever going to change or get better 11. I wanted to be free 12. I just do not want to be married A group of Christians divorced couples were asked what their broken marital commitments cost them: 1. It is never over for anyone, not completely. 2. It devastates all families involved, whether related or not. 3. It makes people wonder if being a Christian really makes any difference. 4. It creates so much pain and loss to those involved that it does everything but represent the love and glory of God. 5. The children never get over it. Their loss and pain is a permanent fixture on their hearts and memories. 6. It breaks up families for generations to come, with everyone involved. 7. It causes the children to sin. They are forced to honor one parent and not the other, causing them to break the one commandment that comes with a promise. Things God says He Hates You will find at least one of these in a broken relationship. 1. Haughty eyes (Prov. 6:17) Looking down on your mate or thinking you are better 2. A lying tongue (Prov 6:17) Going back on your marital vows Remember? Love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others until death do you part. Most forget about the love, honor, and cherish part. 3. Hands that shed innocent blood (Prov. 6:17) The people that are innocently hurt due to your decision or your imposed decision 4. Feet that run rapidly to evil (Prov. 6:18) Selfishness; placing God and your family second or third to your own desires 5. A heart that devises evil plans Premeditated sin against your partner as an act of vengeance or so-called justified sin. 6. False witnesses that utter lies (Prov. 6:19) Lying about or falsely accusing your partner or getting friends or relatives to lie about your sinful wrong doings. 7. One who spreads strife among brothers Separation and divorce cause others to takes sides 8. When sacrifices are burned to other gods Your sacrifices ( job, time, sex, listening) are selfish and not done in love as unto God 9. I reject your festivals, nor do I delight in your solemn assemblies (Amos 5:21) Not committing yourself to God or the needs of your family The desires that take you into your own festivals and assemblies 10. Garments covered with wrong Namely immorality, adultery, and neglecting your partners sexual needs 11. God loved Jacob, but hated Esau (Mal. 1:1-3) Esau didnt take God seriously. He didnt take Gods promises or principles seriously. Principles and Promises: 1. Principle: A healthy prayer life Promise : Matt 7:7-12 2. Principle: The Bible Promise : Matt. 7:7-12 3. Principle: Assembling together (church) Promise : (Eph. 4) Unity Some blessings that have come with commitment: Mike and Mary (names have been changed) Mary started going to Bingo and hanging out with the crowd. She had two daughters and a wonderful husband. They were always in church and were very committed. Pretty soon Mary began going to other gambling establishments with the crowd. She started drinking and became a full-blown alcoholic with a gambling problem. She also violated her vows several times. Mike considered divorce several times but hung in there. When his first daughter got married she stopped next to him in the aisle on her way out of the sanctuary. She hugged her daddy and thanked him for not divorcing mom. Several years later his second daughter hugged his neck and repeated the same. One year later in the same sanctuary his wife, after kneeling at the alter did the same thing. She wrapped her arms around his neck; begged his forgiveness and thanked him for not leaving or forsaking her when everyone else had. Now the Thanksgivings and Christmases with the grandchildren whose inheritance Mike preserved are making up for the bad ones of the past. God has also completely restored everything they thought they had lost. Abraham and Sarah (the blessings) a. great riches b. a miracle child c. Gods blessing on their seed Ester to King Xerxes a. God saved her people b. He saved her life c. He saved her family d. Provided her security Joseph to Mary a. Became part in raising the King of Kings Your children have great destinies with God Jesus and the Church a. Grace b. Fulfillment c. Maturity d. Love and security Healing the Wounds Having the right attitude makes all the difference on whether or not God can completely restore our hearts condition. Lets look at King David's attitude: "Search me Oh God, know my heart; try me Oh God and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me into thy everlasting arms." (Ps. 139:23) King David's heart attitude is what made the difference. It opened the gates for God to come in and bring healing and total restoration of his being. First lets look at seven carnal characteristics of the heart that prevents healing and provokes destruction: 1. A heart that focuses on the offense "where your heart is, there is where you will be also" (Prov. 23:7) If your heart is always on the offense then you will always perceive an offense. How sad it is that when a partner sees themselves as a constant victim of their spouse. This attitude is usually developed in the teen years or as a child of divorce. 2. A blinded heart You try so hard to remove the sin in your partners life, but you are unsuccessful because of the sin in your own life. To establish demands and expectations results in conditions that will not be met. You must approach one anothers sin with maturity, grace, mercy and above all, love. Luke 6:41-42 says, "How can you even look at or examine the specks of sin in your brothers (partners) life when you have a log in your own? 3. A vengeful heart Passive vengeance: Neglecting your partners or families needs out of your own unresolved hurts a. Neglecting sexual responsibilities because of hurt feelings b. Neglecting household responsibilities because of Unforgiveness, or even unresolved issues of forgiveness from childhood Aggressive vengeance: Eye for an eye syndrome; retaliation a. Adultery for adultery b. Spending money because they spent money 4. A stubborn heart The first recognizable characteristics of a stubborn heart is the demands and expectations it places on your partner. a. Demands that your partner respond to your needs b. Demands that your children meet your expectations of them in regards to their spiritual training c. Demanding that the church be more sensitive to your material and emotional desires. d. Demanding and expecting that nobody hurts you like you were in the past. e. Demanding and expecting that legitimate pleasures, long denied, be yours. A heart that is stubborn expects and demands in order to secure its own happiness. This is impossible for anyone to meet. Only God can bring satisfaction in these areas. No one can bring you consistent happiness. 5. A self-destructive heart A person with a self-destructive heart continually puts themselves down: They see only the negative, measuring their value by the acceptance or rejection of others. This perpetuates an up and down relationship with God and everyone else. The destructive heart feels compelled to: a. Perform to make God and others happy b. Not even try because no matter what they do, it isn't right anyway c. Feel that happiness is only for those who have their lives together and God blesses them 6. A selfish heart Selfish hearted people see themselves justified in their pursuit of self-fulfillment. They carry with them extremely demanding expectations and conditions and see any gain as justified, even if it is at the expense of their partner. They look for a quick fix, almost never taking the consequences of their actions into consideration. 7. An unforgiving heart An unforgiving heart sees only its own wounds. It is selfish; blaming; emotionally and spiritually irresponsible. It constantly justifies itself and refuses to heal. Consequences include (Matt 18:21-35): a. bitterness (no satisfaction in life) b. highly critical of everyone c. poor health d. depression e. desperation f. inexplicable anger or frustration g. a constant need for someone to fix them h. unfulfilled sex life with their partner 8. A blaming heart A blaming heart is a very insecure heart that cannot take responsibility for its own actions; an unforgiving selfish cesspool of anger and unholy condemnation. It is self-deceived and will lie to itself in order to preserve its own means or justification. Its the most dangerous of all; a combination of all the above. One of the most innovative psychologists of this century once said, Only one kind of person I consider hopeless is the kind of person who blames other people for his or her problems., and I agree. Second, any heart displaying the following characteristics can be completely healed and restored: 1. A humble heart If we humble ourselves, God will take up our cause. 2. A repentant heart He who says he is without sin is a liar! A repentant heart is truly remorseful and tries to reach out to the needs of the other. It is sacrificial; willing to put aside its own desires for the sake of another. 3. A heart for God Hannah, the mother of Samuel was severely persecuted to the point of emotional abuse. Three qualities delivered her, and many others since: a. she stayed in prayer b. she didnt blame and c. she was dedicated to doing it Gods way Remember: Only God can heal or restore a heart. Healing comes when we stick to his principles and remain obedient to Him. The healing comes from God and only God. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will take up your cause. Ministering to Common Marital Needs 1. Evaluating the attitudes and behaviors that resist positive change in marriage a. When the marriage is looked at as impossible 1) one person has made up their mind that things could never change 2) the constant complain is that the other person doesnt change enough to suit their expectations b. The marriage lacks commitment when this happens, one or both may feel hurt; lonely, and desperate for love c. The marriage with mind reading capabilities one or both are badgering the other with comments like, I knew you were going to do that, or trying to tell the other person what they really mean or think. d. The I am in charge marriage This is when one acts independently of the other, making major decisions on their own regarding the home. e. The Mom and Dad marriage This is when a couple begins to treat one another like their parents. It effectively kills off all intimacy and respect f. The lethargic man and energetic woman marriage This happens when the man works hard all day; comes home tired and wanting rest. He meets a woman that has been at home with the kids all day and is in need of adult conversation, intimacy and attention--maybe even a night out. g. Lack of intimacy Living with in-laws or having someone highly involved in the marriage will kill intimacy in a relationship. Never allow this. h. Empty Nest Syndrome When you invest everything in your life for the sake of the children at the expense of your marriage, nothing is left when they begin to leave home. Communicating Successfully 1. When a wife needs to communicate with her husband, she needs to speak to his head to reach his heart. 2. When a husband needs to communicate with his wife, he needs to console her heart to reach her head. MEN need to learn how to express understanding, sympathy and care, learning compassion with their mouth SHUT, and give their wives devoted attention. If he does this he will find his wifes wisdom very satisfying and at times very revealing. WOMEN need to control their emotional responses and expressions. If she does this, she will find that the heart of her husband can express deep emotional care and love beyond anything she thought possible. Reaping What You Sow The law of reaping what you sow is unavoidable, but it does mean you have control over what you will sow into this life and what you will reap. This is determined by your actions and the words you speak. Problems or trials, like seeds, start out small. The ground, your marriage, is where it will grow Four Seeds To A Successful Marriage 1. The seed of Honesty Never leave your partner with a false impression 2. The seed of Protection Never gain at your partners expense 3. The seed of Caring Knowing and caring about your partners needs, realizing that this generates love in their heart 4. The seed of Time Knowing that it takes at least fifteen hours a week to plant the seeds of Honesty, Protection, and Caring Five seeds that can destroy a marriage 1. Friends and relatives 2. Personal ambition and career choices 3. Money and material things 4. Children 5. Sex Bad seeds of friends and relatives When a man and a woman get married they are to become one, but when they have friends or relatives preventing this union it makes the relationship very difficult. Often in-laws simply refuse to let go. They have been in control of their child's life for years and recognize no need to change. They dont realize how serious this is. Some dont even realize what theyre doing. When a couple gets married they are still growing and maturing, except now they are growing and maturing together. This is what joins them mentally and emotionally, but when you have parents insisting on their way in the relationship, the emotions and feelings split. This becomes an even greater problem when the children come. Family loyalties are divided and a tremendous amount of stress is interjected into the relationship. This is especially true with women. No one is going to take Daddys place in her life. Daddy can easily become the other man. If her father begins to tear down or disrespect his son inlaw then the daughters heart is divided. This is especially true with a manipulative father during those hard times a couple will have to endure as part of the growing process. He can plant seed that will destroy his daughters marriage without knowing it. There are those who do it knowingly. Parents and in-laws can cause stress to the point of depression in their children, then blame it on the man or woman they married. To choose the parents or grandparents wishes over your partners wishes will result in confusion and the ultimate destruction of the marriage. Read all of Ephesians 5. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph. 5:31-33) Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil ll the days of her life (Prov. 31:10-12). Friendships with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends Trying to maintain friendships with old boyfriends, girlfriends or lovers is out of the question. Some actually see nothing wrong with this, but it will destroy intimacy in the relationship. It can also cause a riff in the relationship; a weak point. A place Satan will use every time there is trouble. Old girlfriends and boyfriends; especially lovers will come running to your aid and split your emotions. Now, instead of growing you are wounded, and dont not even know it. Giving to the poor ? Never ever give to your friends or relatives at the expense of your partner, even if they beg. Giving is a joint decision based on mutual agreement. Dont change your mind after its carried out and done with. Keep in mind that the law of giving is established and proven. If you have need then give as unto the Lord. Greed produces selfishness and Unforgiveness and will find its way between the two of you, however, it still must be a mutual agreement if it will mean sacrifices on the part of your partner. Making your friends your spouses friends? Caring for a friend should never take priority over the needs of your partner. Sometimes a slow breaking away is needed. Some friends will actually become an irritant in your relationship with your partner. Liking your spouses friends too much? This is dangerous because it can lead to an affair with your partners best friend. This also applies with siblings. You should never become emotionally intimate with anyone of the opposite sex except your partner. Never look for the fulfillment in any area of your life that you should be getting from your partner in someone else. Example: A woman finds a listener in her brother in-law. He has listening skills her husband doesnt have. She begins to fantasize about him as a sexual partner and before long, acts upon it. It ultimately destroys her marriage years later. The Bad Seeds of Ambition and Career Choices The Workaholic Your career should serve the family, not the family--serve the career.. unless you are willing to sacrifice your family for your career? Checklist: Do you put your job before the needs of your wife? Do you put your job before the needs of your children? Do house, car, boat, neighborhood, church, or money mean too much to you? Who is in control in your home--Jesus, or your job? Do you justify your time spend on the job as loving your family? Yes to any of the above indicates you have a dangerous situation. He or she might be gone when you get home tomorrow. Marrying St. Paul: This happens when one of you catch the vision of being a pastor or missionary after marriage. It can cause a great riff if the other does not agree with running off to Africa. This happens often in Christian marriages. This is also something that needs to be discussed before the wedding bells. Do not allow your lust to override your call. You should never gain at your partners expense. The Bad Seeds Of Money This happens when money and material possessions become more important than your partners sanity or the stability of your home. You want him to buy that house or car and he is working day and night to do just that. But now you feel lonely and start badgering him about how much time he spends at work. Suddenly the next-door neighbor is spending time with you and your loneliness is relieved. The relationship is severely damaged. Decide what you want. Do you want a partner or a provider? Either one will result in sacrifices and you might have to get a job. You should never ever make major financial decisions without first discussing it with your partner. Conspiring 1. Blaming one another for your money problems 2. Not taking responsibility for what it takes to get out of the hole The Idealist This is where each partner feels they have a legitimate goal. So they each channel the money in that direction Remember: Whatever the two of you decide must strengthen your marriage. When do children become the bad seed in a marriage ? 1. When the children become your center This is when you put children's wants and desires before your partners needs. The children need a healthy marriage before anything else. 2. When you begin to rely on the children to meet your emotional needs Do not ever make your child a sounding board for your problems. This will destroy both your marriage and them. It will split their emotions and feelings causing a great instability within the home. 3. When the children become the excuse This is when you consistently deny your partner in any way and use the children as the excuse. The other partner will start looking upon the children as competition. 4. When the two of you cannot agree upon discipline When you cannot agree upon discipline the children will look upon the discipline as abuse. The two of you must agree, otherwise, every time Dad swats Tommy and Tommy sees that look in Moms eye or hears her objection, he feels as though Dad did something wrong. The same goes when Mom sets Tommy in the corner and Dad has that look. The children will pick the form of discipline they prefer and the other will be considered abuse by both the children and the other spouse, whether it is or not! This alone can cause problems for someone later on in life. When is sex a bad seed? 1. When the woman thinks it is a curse from God 2. When its something taught to be feared or made dirty 3. When its made uncomfortable 4. When its denied to often 5. When its something not agreed upon 6. When its forced or used as a reward or punishment A healthy sex life is vital to the marriage. Discounting or ignoring your partners creativity will cause deep hurts and stifle the sex life. Be willing to discuss it or try it. You might find it isn't all that bad, or it might be something you can tolerate from time to time to give satisfaction to your partner. However, it must always be done in love and never resented. It is better to say no than to comply in resentment. Your sex life should never ever be disused with anyone but a trained professional for the purpose of therapy or maybe medical reasons. Never talk about it where the children can hear. Just because they are in bed does not mean they cannot hear what you are saying. Guard your sex life. Nothing like pornographic materials should ever be introduced. It can cause unhealthy fantasies or mental affairs. It opens the door to the enemy and is just plain destructive. Even if it is something agreed upon it will destroy your sex life; it never enhances. If you need it to initiate arousal, you need to seek professional counseling. If youve permitted it in the past, you need professional counseling. Sex is one of the first things to go when there is sin in your partners life. Communication and honesty is vital to maintaining a healthy sex life. Unforgiveness or selfishness will, without question, destroy your sex life and your marriage. If you are a selfish or unforgiving person then your partner will not be able to honestly communicate with you, so work on it. Recommended Reading Materials and More Six lies the Devil Uses to Destroy a Marriage, Lisa Comes ISBN 0-912631-98-8 (Lakewood Church, PO Box 23297, Houston, TX 77228) Dream Thieves, Rick Renner ISBN 1-880089-09-2 (Rick Renner Ministries, PO Box 472228, Tulsa, OK 74147-2228) Seducing Spirits and Doctrines of Demons, Rick Renner ISBN 1-880089-07-6 (Rick Renner Ministries, PO Box 472228, Tulsa, OK 74147-2228) Living in the Combat Zone, Rick Renner ISBN 0-9621436-1-8 (Rick Renner Ministries, PO Box 472228, Tulsa, OK 74147-2228) Spiritual Weapons, To Defeat the Enemy, Rick Renner ISBN 1-880089-11-4 (Rick Renner Ministries, PO Box 472228, Tulsa, OK 74147-2228) Comfort for the Wounded Spirit, Frank & Ida Mae Hammond ISBN 0-089228-008-7 (The Children's Bread Ministry, PO Box 789, Plainview, TX 79073) For Better or for Best, Gary Smalley ISBN 0-310-44871-9 (Zondervan Publishing House, 1415 Lake Drive, SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49506) Find A Support Group near you: DivorceCare 6339 Glenwood Ave. Raleigh, NC 27612 919-571-7735 Marriage Ministries International PO Box 1040 Littleton, CO 80160-1040 303-730-3333 1 Rick Renner, Seducing Spirits and Doctrines of Demons (Tulsa: Pillar Books, 1992) 20-24. 2 Institute in Life Principles, Rebuilders Guide (1991) 120. 3 Institute in Life Principles, Rebuilders Guide (City: Publisher, 1991) 119. rely on the children to meet your emotional needs Do not ever make your Ly Lv5t5q6o6l7jR8g8e9b:`/;];[<X>ih<~yvt5q6o6l7jR8g8e9b:`/;];[<X>ih\\\\\\7\O\N \P \R \ \u \L\ \=h 6\8\Z\\\\H\\[\ \ \ \ \9"\;"\ $\=h $ $\)$\+$\)'\Y(\*\+\+\+\+\j-\-\-\.\.\=h..\.\.\L/\/\/\/\0\0\2\3\a5\$7\B8\C9\=hC9:\;\;\;\;\>\h?\A\C\E\pH\\K\L\L\-L\=h-LL\:O\P\P\R\R\S\S\S\S\S\xU\V\V\ V\=h V"V\PX\SX\X\X\X\X\PY\Z\Z\Z\P[\9]\_\Wa\=hWab\b\Lb\b\b\b\ c\ c\(c\*c\#d\g\i\i\j\=hjj\5j\7j\l\l\m\Wo\r\Ks\Ms\_s\cs\u\u\x\=hxy\z\|\}\\\\\\}\\\\(\*\=h*U\W\p\\\\\\+\-\@\B\\\ \=h \P\\i\k\w\y\\\\\]\\\\=h\\M\\\?\\Q\\0\\h\G\I\\=h\\ȫ\\ \C\c\\Ƭ\\(\o\\\\=h9\\\\\\\\ߴ\\\\ \ \Y\=hYW\Y\{\}\ͽ\{\}\\\˾\;\\-\j\\=h\ο\ҿ\\D\F\m\p\\\=\q\\\\=h\$\a\\\\\\\$\T\\\\\=h\\\\C\E\q\t\>\@\k\n\\\\=h\s\u\\\<\>\R\T\\\=\\\5\=h58\N\\\\\\\!\#\G\I\\F\J\\=h\\\\\\\\\\\h\\\0\=h02\\?\\\\\\\\\b\-\\\=h\!\\\\\\P\R\\\\\@\B\=hBg\\p\r\t\\\\\\\\\\\=h2\4\y\{\\\\\\\\F\H\\\=h\\\\=\\\\\U\W\\\\}\=h}t\`\\\\\a \ \\!\#\c\e\\\=h\\\\\\\\\\C\E\q\s\\=h\\%\J\\\\&\d\f\w\y\\\\=h)\Q\\\\\j\\\;\\\\G\z\=hz|\\\\\}\\\\\\. \0 \U \W \=hW  \ \ \ \!\ !\4!\6!\v!\x!\!\!\!\!\!\=h!"\"\"\#"\+"\V"\w"\"\"\"\"\"\#\#\#\=h##\$\k$\$\%\f%\%\^&\&\&\&\W'\'\#(\f(\=hf(h(\(\(\(\')\I)\)\)\b*\*\+\B+\+\],\,\=h,,\-\ -\.\.\/\/\R/\T/\/\/\0\0\)0\,0\=h,0t0\0\1\1\r2\t2\v2\2\2\2\2\2\%3\'3\N3\=hN3P3\3\3\3\3\F4\H4\t4\v4\5\5\N6\P6\s6\u6\=hu66\6\6\6\!7\#7\/7\17\+9\-9\r9\t9\:\:\:\=h:;\<;\>;\P;\R;\=\=\=\=\=\=\0?\p?\r?\@\=h@@\@@\B@\B\C\C\C\C\D\(D\?D\gD\~D\D\D\=hDD\D\E\I\K\M\M\M\M\@O\BO\XO\ZO\eP\Q\=hQR\R\S\S\OT\T\U\U\U\U\ W\$W\>W\@W\kW\=hkWW\W\X\Z\Z\Z\Z\[\j\\B]\]\*_\a\b\b\=hbb\b\b\b\b\dd\fd\d\d\f\f\f\f\Xg\Zg\=hZgg\g\g\ h\ h\1h\3h\{h\}h\h\h\h\h\ i\i\=hiRi\i\ j\j\?j\Ej\j\j\j\k\k\m\ m\m\m\=hmn\n\Vn\Xn\n\n\~o\p\8r\t\t\t\t\Ov\Qv\=hQvxv\zv\w\w\:w\\@\v\ڳ\\\\=h\g\\\\\5\Ҿ\Ծ\&\-\e\\\g\=hg\!\;\=\A\\\\\\\\\\\=h\\\\\\\ \ \1\H\\\\\=h\\\\\\\\>\@\+\\\%\'\=h'\\\\\)\O\t\\\\\\\\=h\\\\\\\+\-\\\\\\\=h \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\=hc\e\\\N\A\\\\K\M\O\_\a\u\=huw\K\M\c\e\\\\\\\\\\\=hC\\\\\]\ \U \W \Y \l \n \ \ \ \ \=h  \ \ \ \ \\\b\d\\\\\\"\=h"v\\`\b\\\\\\#\%\A \b!\d!\!\=h!!\0"\#\%\%\%\%\&\ (\)\)\*\*\ +\ +\=h +(+\*+\+\+\,\,\5,\g,\,\,\-\Q-\-\-\-\=h--\ .\".\$.\:.\T.\V.\h.\j.\/\/\[/\]/\/\/\=h//\/\0\R0\i0\2\2\<3\Q3\w3\3\3\3\4\4\=h45\5\5\5\5\5\6\6\6\6\7\7\R8\T8\8\=h88\9\9\:\:\/;\1;\7;\>;\K;\h;\;\;\;\;\=h;;\;\<\<\<\=\=\W=\=\=\=\>>\c>\>\>\=h>?\S?\U?\W?\k?\m?\{?\}?\@\3B\dC\mF\oF\F\F\=hFF\F\G\H\I\I\I\ J\>J\@J\HJ\VJ\_J\vJ\J\=hJJ\J\J\J\J\N\N\N\N\gQ\S\S\S\S\S\=hSS\S\S\T\%T\7T\LT\XT\gT\T\T\W\W\SW\UW\=hUWEX\X\Y\Y\Y\Y\V[\X[\[\[\]\]\]\]\ ^\=h ^#^\f^\h^\l^\p^\t^\x^\|^\^\^\_\`\a\@b\Bb\=hBbb\b\\e\Kf\Xh\ j\ j\Mj\Oj\j\j\j\*k\tk\k\=hkk\6l\/m\1m\m\m\m\m\m\m\;n\=n\?n\Nn\Pn\=hPn6o\8o\Go\Io\p\|q\r\s\t\v\z\T}\\\\=h\\\n\\R\\\\É\\5\\;\=\=h=[\]\\\\\\\y\\\{\}\\\=hϓ\ѓ\\R\\\ޜ\}\\\\\(\j\\=h\8\q\s\|\~\b\d\\\\\\\\=h\\1\3\G\I\٧\ۧ\ \ \!\7\R\m\o\=ho_\A\\\\\h\j\ܭ\ޭ\ \"\D\X\\=h\\\D\k\\\\'\)\\\°\\T\=hTϱ\@\\0\2\L\N\\\\\ \3\Ŵ\\=hR\\׵\\^\\ \;\x\\ \a\\\\=h\\\\\ \ \2\P\k\\\׺\ٺ\ \ \=h 4\\ڽ\\\\п\\\ \\9\P\i\\=h\\\\\\\*\9\P\R\f\h\\\=h1\\\\\\\Q\S\\\/\+\1\E\\=h\\|\\D\K\\\\\\z\\\|\=h|\!\)\\\+\2\T\[\\\8\?\S\Z\=hZ\\\\\\\\\\,\A\l\\\=h\\\:\@\ \ \n\p\\\\\\\=hb\\\\\\\\\;\r\\3\\\=h\\2\W\\\\1\\\\\\\ \=h w\y\m\o\?\A\W\Y\\\\\\\ \=h K\c\\\V\X\\\\\\\\!\#\=h#\\U\W\n\p\\\\\\\\\\=h\\\\\ \\\\ \[\]\S\U\\=h\\\!\#\/\1\e\\\\a\c\\\=h\\O\Q\\\\\V\X\\\F\H\U\=hUW\\\\\\S\U\\\\\\Q\\=h\\\\\\\-\/\a\\\\\9\=h9;\\\\, \. \0 \Y \[ \ \ \ \ \ \ \=h O \Q \ \ \ \ \ \ \X \Z \ \ \ \ \ \=h 3 \u \w \ \ \\\$\&\3\G\Z\h\j\\=h\\\\\\\\\\\G\Z\h\j\\=h  Arial\\e\Kf\Xh\ j\ j\Mj\Oj\j\j\j\*k\tk\k\=h